


baby we're going viral (Buzzfeed99)

by orphan_account



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Buzzfeed!AU, Fake Dating!AU, Jake and Amy fake dating for the sake of the internet, Multi, Slow Burn, fake marriage!au, so many internet references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-25
Updated: 2017-08-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 01:23:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,415
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8645773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Jake looks over at Amy, and Amy clarifies for the both of them, “People are commenting that they want us to become a couple?”Jake studies Ray, Terry, and Charles then says, “And you want us to date because the Internet thinks it would be a good idea?” Amy has to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing.“No, we want you to get married,” Charles explains matter-of-factly.Amy’s jaw drops, and Jake says, “Uh, what now?”+  BuzzfeedJake (of Try Guys and Taste Buds fame) and BuzzfeedAmy (of Ladylike and Test Friends fame) discover that since people “ship” them heavily, they must bank on this for views and get “married” to each other for a whole week.





	1. Never Gonna Give You Up

**Author's Note:**

> Basically, I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed and Brooklyn 99 and I just realized I could combine those two loves. So this is that. All the b99 characters are younger, to fit the Buzzfeed dynamic. So Holt is 35, Terry is 30, Jake is 25, Amy is 23, Rosa is 24, Gina is 25, and Charles is 28. Hitchcock and Scully are early 40s. But picture them like normal. Or don’t, it’s your imagination.
> 
> Basic characters and the IRL people they’re inspired by (but not limited to): Jake is Chris Reinacher/Zach Kornfeld. Charles is Keith Habersberger. Amy is Ashly Perez/Becky Harris. Gina is Kelsey Darragh/Quinta Brunson. Rosa is Gaby Dunn/Ella Mielniczenko. Terry is Ned Fulmer/Eugene Lee Yang. Holt is what I imagine the head of Buzzfeed Content to be, like a Buzzfeed Dad, but also kind of like Ned since he’s administration doing videos. Hitchcock and Scully are old IT guys who do not understand the Internet.

_Weird International Liquor Taste Test by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: July 22, 2015)_

_(Bols Yogurt Liqueur, Netherlands)_

_Jake and Amy, holding hands for stability, down a shot. Amy starts squirming and Jake winces._

_Jake: UGH! (beat) Not bad._

_Amy shudders and gags._

_Amy: There’s something wrong with you, this is like cheese that went sour!_

_Jake goes to bicker, but then nods._

_Jake: Yeah you’re right. Plus, it’s also what I imagine the consistency of semen to be._

_Amy makes a face, then coughs._

_Amy: I can confirm for you, this (points to bottle) is much worse._

_Jake looks at the camera in glee at this information._

_-_

_(Naga Chilli Vodka, England)_

_Terry and Rosa down a shot. Terry immediately starts screaming._

_Terry: Aaaaaaahhhhh! Why is it spicy? Why is it spicy?_

_Terry starts rubbing at his tongue with his hands, violently. Rosa, meanwhile, is pouring herself another shot, downing it. Terry notices this._

_Terry: What the heck is wrong with you? This is burning my face off!_

_Rosa: It’s not bad. You’re just weak._

_Terry looks at her, a bit dumbstruck._

_Terry: (gesturing to himself) Do you_ see _me?_

_-_

_(Bakon Vodka, USA)_

_Gina and Charles sniff it and recoil._

_Charles: Smells like the treats I give my dogs._

_Gina shrugs._

_Gina: Eh whatever. Literally any (beep)ing excuse to get drunk at work._

_With that, Gina downs the shot. Charles takes a dainty sip of his. They both start gagging._

_Charles: (fanning his face) My palate is crying! My palate is crying!_

_Gina: (talking to the bottle) Who hurt you, Bakon Vodka? Why do you exist?_

+

One month before Valentine’s Day 2016, it’s like any other day in the Buzzfeed Brooklyn headquarters.

Amy Santiago, video producer, actor and writer, is diligently researching Internet trends for potential videos, taking notes on paper like someone from the 1900s.

Charles Boyle, video producer and occasional actor, is editing a video on Life Hacks while eating cacao nibs. The cacao nibs, unfortunately, did not make it into the video (because “they’re not a hack, Charles. They’re just food.”)

Rosa Diaz, video editor, actor, and staff writer, is working on an article that ranks the most hilarious gifs of people getting hurt. Even though these are, by definition, hilarious, the only sign of her enjoyment is the occasional smirk on her lips.

Gina Linetti, copy-editing assistant, general assistant, and occasional video actor, is on her phone playing Kwazy Kupcakes (even though her job is literally just to be on the Internet all day, she is still not doing it).

Terry Jeffords, who they call “The Sarge” since he reminds them of a military sergeant even though he’s the director of Media Content and a total softie, is secretly Skyping his daughters since their mom, and his wife, needed a nap.

Raymond Holt, head of Buzzfeed Brooklyn and occasional video actor or “The Captain” as a certain someone keeps trying to have catch on as a nickname, is organizing his video clips on his desktop into subsections based on genre, then focus, then length. He’s currently on focus.

And Jake Peralta, video producer, actor, and editor, is annoying his officemates. The only thing different than normal is the means in which he does so. Today, he’s using a megaphone and standing on his swivel chair.

“ATTENTION GENTLEMEN OF BUZZFEED BROOKLYN,” Jake says, making his voice sound like Darth Vader’s. “I AM LOOKING FOR MEN INTERESTED IN WEARING EDIBLE LINGERIE ON CAMERA-”

“Jesus Christ,” Rosa mutters, plugging in her headphones.

“Couldn’t you be using email for this?” Ray asks him, barely raising his voice but being heard loud and clear. “That is the more professional route.”

“Jake isn’t a professional,” Amy says, with a smile on her face.

Whirling on her, Jake says into the megaphone and says normally, “I AM OFFENDED, SANTIAGO. SHAME!” Since he’s mentally a college student, he calls everyone by their last names. He waves an imaginary bell at her direction.

She winces, since she sits right next to him. According to Ray, they have “similar editing and humor cadences” so they’re paired together in videos quite often. At first, it was to their sheer displeasure, but now they get along. But not without a fight.

Jake continues, “VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING UP-”

“In a month,” Amy says, correcting him as always.

Jake ignores her, “AND I WANT TO DO A VIDEO WHERE PEOPLE EAT EDIBLE SEXY STUFF IN HONOR OF THAT HOLIDAY-”

“Stop using the megaphone, Jacob,” Ray says.

With a slight, but playful, pout, he puts down the megaphone. “Any takers?” He says at normal volume.

Most people ignore him. Amy does not. “Why don’t you make it a Try Guys video?”

Jake is a member of the Try Guys, one of the most viewed groups that Buzzfeed companies across the _world_ has.

The members are Jake, Charles (which is no surprise, he will literally do any video Jake asks him to), Terry (who originally did it because Jake promised to babysit his twin daughters, but actually enjoys making the videos now) and Ray, (who participated originally to fill in since their original volunteer came down with the flu and he wanted the video to remain on schedule).  

He looks at her like he didn’t realize that was an option, and is now excited. He goes for his megaphone, but Amy grabs it from his grasp. Sighing, he turns to his computer and emails his cast-members instead. Amy smiles to herself and goes back to work.

+

_Couples Imitate Each Other by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Mar 13, 2015)_

_(Drinking)_

_Ray: Kevin and I do not imbibe alcohol to an excessive amount, therefore our perceptions and actions do not change drastically from our day-to-day behavior._

_Kevin: Binge-drinking is for college students and sad people._

_Ray: And we both graduated college years ago._

_Kevin: And we are also not sad._

_Ray: So I do not believe this applies to us._

_They nod briskly, in sync._

_-_

_(Fighting)_

_Terry: When I’ve (beep)ed up, she usually goes for a hyperbolic freak out._

_Sharon: (laughing) I do not-_

_In a playful way, like it’s familiar, Terry keeps talking over her._

_Terry: Like let me tell you what she said of when she found out I did the video on wearing ladies’ underwear-_

_Sharon: Oh god-_

_Sharon starts giggling, but quiets to watch his impression,_

_Terry: (in a pretty good impression of his wife) “What’s next, Terrence? Are you cooking meth? Are you Breaking Bad?”_

_Sharon: (too busy laughing to respond)_

_Terry: (continuing impression) “How many phones do you have?!”_

_-_

_(Dancing)_

_Amy: For the safety of everyone involved, I try not to dance._

_Teddy: Unless she’s two drinks in-_

_Amy: Actually, I think Gina proved it in a video, it’s three drinks. My personality slightly changes-_

_Teddy: (slightly put off by the correction) Oh. Huh._

_Amy: (catching on) Well-_

_Teddy: (ignoring and talking over her) When she does dance, she’ll step on so many toes it’s kind of sad haha-_

_Amy: (grinning, somewhat tightly) True._

+

When Amy and Teddy broke up and he stopped appearing in videos, the Internet was... concerned. For two months, she had dozens of comments that either were overly sweet and interested in how they broke up and if they did in the first place, or people that were adamant they were over and that Amy should be with the commenter instead.

It was weird.

They broke up about two weeks after their last appearance as a couple in a video (“Couples Imitate Each Other,” incidentally). And she received so many comments. So, just to get it out of the way, she posted on her official Facebook page to alleviate any confusion that yes they were over, and that neither of them harbored ill will towards the other (not entirely true, but this is the Internet).

It was even weirder having to explain her personal breakup to utter strangers, but it did stop the first type of comments. So, it was a slight victory.

Even almost a year after the breakup, she still gets comments. Now she ignores them. Or tries to. The logical part of her, which is most of her, knows that reading Internet comments is the kiss of death. But there’s a twisted part of her that wants the feedback so she can improve. God, she’s insane. So, to keep her mind off the comments, she keeps herself occupied.

Like right now, she’s working on a scripted series she does with Rosa about dismantling the patriarchy (one of their favorite topics).

She’s broken from her writing streak when someone shakes her chair like it’s an earthquake. Without looking up or at her computer screen’s reflection, she knows immediately who it is.

“What do you want, Jake?”

He spins around so she’s facing him, “Hey, Santiago,” He grins. “I need your help on a shoot tomorrow.”

Amy bites back a sigh as she studies him and his traditional attire: huge glasses, flannel/plaid shirt, dark wash jeans, and a smirk (usually). “Get an intern,” She tells him, trying to go back to work. Their offices are not as big as Buzzfeed LA's or OZ’s offices, but they have their fair share of interns. Especially ones as hipster as Jake is.

“But I want _you_ ,” He whines, stopping her from spinning back around. Then pauses. “Scratch that phrasing.” She rolls her eyes. He starts over, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses. “I really need your stylistic… style and input in my video shoot tomorrow. Please?”

Amy sighs and fidgets with her sweater sleeve. She’s exhausted and, for some reason, a bit down these past couple of days. She shouldn’t add anything extra to her caseload, but she finds herself saying, “Sure. Text me the time and whatever so I can put it in my calendar.”

He grins at her, “Thanks, Ames. You’re the best.” And with that, he leaves, probably to talk to Charles.

“You owe me six pierogis!” She calls after him, somewhat half-hearted.

Jake speaks while spinning around, flailing his arms out like _whatareyagonnado?_ , “I can barely afford one!” But he’s winking at her. And, after their lunch break that she works through, there are three warm pierogis on her desk when she comes back from the printer.

She makes sure to give him one.

+

_Analyzing Your Drunk Friends: Amy (Released: Feb 19, 2015)_

_(Two Drinks In)_

_Gina is talking to the camera, with Jake, Rosa, and Charles behind her. They are wearing scientist garb in a bar. In the background, Amy is shouting about her high school experience._

_Gina: We are two drinks in, and Amy is-_

_Amy pops into frame._

_Amy: SHE OBVIOUSLY CHEATED ON THE FINAL!_ I _DESERVED VALEDICTORIAN!_

_Jake gently pulls her aside, wincing at the volume._

_Jake: (obviously) So Two-Drink Amy is very loud._

_Amy: (being pulled off-screen) I WORKED SO HARD YOU GUYS-_

_Gina: Someone make her down a shot, my hearing is too precious for this._

_-_

_(Four Drinks In)_

_The music is soft and not even bass-heavy but Amy is dancing (nay, just gyrating) in the background against Rosa, whose expression reveals nothing. Jake is grinning at the camera, utterly amused, and Charles is taking notes. Gina looks like everything is coming to fruition._

_Gina: (to the camera) So Four-Drink Amy is a bit of a pervert, still dancing-_

_Rosa: (deadpan) Let’s move on._

_Jake: (smirking) Let’s not!_

_Rosa throws her straw at him, and Amy abandons Rosa and walks over to Jake._

_Amy: (whining) Jaaaaaakkkeeeeee!!! Dance with me._

_She dances up close to Jake, like she was with Rosa, and his eyes go wide as Charles gasps in glee._

_Jake: Um, let’s move on._

_Rosa: (definitely mocking Jake) Let’s not!_

_-_

_(Five Drinks In)_

_The scientists, now in varying degrees of dishevelment are analyzing the current stage._

_Gina: Five-Drink Amy is confidant as fuck-_

_Amy shouts wildly in the background and all of them turn around._

_Amy: (to a ficus plant) I can totally do a handstand! Watch me!_

_Amy goes to prepare to do a handstand._

_Jake: (running for her) Shit._

_Gina laughs, and Rosa snorts. Charles takes notes. Jake picks Amy up with minor difficulty and carries her back over._

_Gina: (to camera, pondering) Is there a moral to this story?_

_Rosa: (sipping from her water) Don’t get shit-faced if you’re a lightweight?_

_Amy: (squirming in Jake’s grasp) You calling me a lightweight? I will drink you under the table! Indiana Jones-style!_

_Jake smothers his laughter and gets a better handle on her._

_Jake: (to camera) If you’re gonna get shit-faced, do it responsibly?_

_Charles: Let’s go with that. And also get her home._

_Jake: (carrying Amy to the door, but calling back to the camera) Don’t drink and drive, kids!_

+

“Oh hey, Peraltiago,” Gina says, calling them over as she files her nails at her computer.

Jake and Amy, not sure whose name she meant to say, both look up. “What?” They both ask. They share a look, then turn back to Gina.

“Holt wants you to meet him the conference room,” Gina gestures with her thumb to the glass room where they occasionally hold meetings but mostly film videos about meetings.

Gina, along with being the marketing assistant, is Holt’s personal assistant. It burned Amy up when Ray asked Gina instead of her to do it, but she’s basically over it now. Kind of. Somewhat.

Jake and Amy walk over to the conference room and find Terry, Charles, and Ray all sitting around in front of the projector.

“Hello,” Amy greets, ever polite.

“Hello, Ms. Santiago,” Ray says. “We would like to discuss with you an opportunity with you that could potentially be a bit troublesome. Please understand, we’d harbor no ill will if you two decline.”

Jake and Amy share a look (Jake’s is very confused and Amy’s is apprehensive). “What’s the opportunity?” Jake speaks up.

“Have you guys read the comments on the Edible Lingerie video?” Terry asks.

Both of them shake their heads, and Amy adds, “I try not to read the comments.”

“And I try not to read,” Jake says, grinning as Amy’s jaw clenches at his joke. (Is it a joke?)

Ray ignores them both, “There have been an influx of comments that express the notion that people wish to see you together in a romantic way.”

Jake looks over at Amy, and Amy clarifies for the both of them, “People are commenting that they want us to become a couple?”

Jake studies Ray, Terry, and Charles then says, “And you want us to date because the Internet thinks it would be a good idea?” Amy has to bite her bottom lip to stop herself from laughing.

“No, we want you to get married,” Charles explains matter-of-factly.

Amy’s jaw drops, and Jake goes, “Uh, what now?”

Terry gives Charles a look, and turns back to them, “You won’t _actually_ be getting married, it’s for a video.”

“I’m still confused,” Amy says.

Ray takes over, “We are interested in banking on the fact people seem to ‘ship’ the two of you and want you two to participate in a...” He searches for a word, “Social experiment, if you will, where you are married to each other for a week.”

“Are you going to electrocute us?” Jake asks, mostly to Amy, hands on his hips. “I don’t know if I’m into that-”

“No, that’s more physical science. I think they want us to pretend to be married for a video and film the effects,” Amy tries to explain.

“Well summarized, Amy,” Ray says and she tries hard not to preen. “Terry will go over the parameters on camera for you and the audience, and also serve as the general ‘marriage expert’, but mostly the the video will be you interacting. If any part of it makes you uncomfortable, we can cancel the video at any point in the duration of the project.”

Amy looks over at Charles, “And Charles will...?”

“He’ll film the videos in the office and edit the video, with you two having final cut. You also have to film your home lives once you move in-” Ray starts to explain.

“We’re moving in together?” Jake and Amy ask at the same time.

“Just for the week,” Charles explains, reassuringly. “It’ll be fine.”

“Will it though?” Jake asks, voice slightly high-pitched. Amy rolls her eyes and smacks his arm. “Oh no,” He says dramatically, like the huge ham he is. “It begins!”


	2. D-d-d-do the Harlem Shake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Terry clears his throat as everyone remains in position and Charles starts filming. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to watch Jacob Elijah Peralta and America Elenita Santiago get married for a Buzzfeed video only to get a divorce at the end of the week.”
> 
> “Just like God intended,” Jake interjects.
> 
> “Don’t interrupt,” Amy orders, “Please continue, Terry.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg another update?? You guys deserve it for all your nice comments! I don't know if I'll be able to update this fast for a bit because I have finals coming up, but I'll try my best!

_Edible Lingerie Taste Test (Feat. The Try Guys) by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 1, 2016)_

_Amy walks onto set, only to see Jake covered in a huge blanket, like everything except his head is hidden. He also has a mischievous look on his face._

_Amy: (suspicious) Are you wearing edible lingerie?_

_Jake grins._

_Jake: Maaaayyyybbeeeeee. Unwrap your present, Santiago._

_Amy grimaces, but she’s definitely amused. Quickly, she pulls off the blanket, revealing he in fact is wearing a candy bra and g-string (along with a dancer’s belt underneath for censoring reasons). Everyone on set laughs, but the two onscreen laugh the hardest._

_-_

_Amy kneels up on the bed, hesitantly approaching Jake._

_Amy: Where should I start-_

_Jake flips himself over so his backside is practically presented to her._

_Amy: Oh my- (laughs too hard to speak) Okay. Okay. Where do I start?_

_Jake makes a “meh” noise._

_Jake: Just get right in there._

_Amy: Title of your sex tape?_

_Jake: (impressed) Noice!_

_-_

_Amy, taking this so seriously, is lining herself up perfectly so she won’t bite any skin, hair, or erogenous zones._

_Amy: (leans down to bite)_

_Jake: (romance movie-dramatic) Be gentle._

_Amy covers her face as she laughs._

_Amy: Take this seriously! Jake: You’re eating candy off my ass!_

_They succumb to laughter. With a slight wince, she reaches down to bite and chew at the candy, to the delight and cheers of the entire crew. She pulls away after some candy is gone and chews thoughtfully._

_Jake: Was it good for you?_

_Amy makes a playful face at him._

_Amy: Okay I’m leaving, goodbye._

+

Amy and Jake walk to the main filming stage together. “I can’t believe we’re getting married,” Amy says.

Jake nudges her with his elbow, “Dream coming true, Santiago?” 

She rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling, “No, the exact opposite. I just meant I did not picture getting married like this.”

“You mean only for a week, like we’re Kardashians?” Jake clarifies. She nods. “Yeah, me neither. Wait,” He swings an arm out to stop her from moving and gasps dramatically, “We should make a pact.”

“A pact? Are we twelve?” Amy asks, but also stops walking, even though they might be late to their shoot with Terry and Charles.

“I’m serious,” He says. “You’re one of my closest friends, and I want to make a pact that this video won’t fuck it up. No matter what.”

Amy takes a deep breath and nods, exhaling slowly. She’s kind of surprised how serious he is, but she finds she appreciates it, “You’re right. You’re one of my best friends too...  And, I think we shouldn’t watch the video after it’s released, since we might say things about each other we wouldn’t want the others to know. We both have to agree to it though.”

Jake shrugs, “I agree.”

“How should we do it?”

He cocks his head, “Do what?”

Amy grew up with seven brothers, so she knows how pacts work. Or, at least, how guys typically approach it. “The pact, to make it official. Do we shake on it? Spit _and_ shake? Blood oath?”

Jake raises an eyebrow at her, “What _are_ you?”

Amy sighs. “Shake on it?” She offers. 

“The _normal_ answer, so yes.” They shake on it, and walk onto the set. Charles has it set up with so there’s a love seat facing one camera, and another camera facing another single-seated chair in order to shoot two perspectives simultaneously.

“I’m guessing we’re in the chair with Amy on my lap,” Jake says as a greeting. Amy doesn’t respond to that and pointedly sits on one end of the love seat. “Marriage is starting off great, darling.”

“Technically, and legally, you guys aren’t even married,” Terry says, stepping forward with two copies of a packet.

“Do you have a binder?” Amy asks, straightening up excitedly as Jake sits down.

“Kind of. This is your list of rules for the week. Don’t open it yet.” He orders gently. Amy places hers in her lap and folds her hands over it. Jake just flips it upside down.

Charles, meanwhile, is fluttering behind the cameras after checking in with the sound operators, “Jake, Amy, here’s the rundown. Terry is going to go over what it takes to be a married couple, then we’re going to shoot prelim stuff talking where you two are alone and what you guys are thinking the week will be like.” He goes to talk to one of the interns after giving them their mic packs. Putting them on is like blinking to Amy at this point.

“Sounds like a plan,” Jake says after him, and Amy just nods and pulls out her tiny makeup bag she has in her purse. “What are you doing?”

“Reapplying,” Amy says as she reapplies a very subtle lipstick color and mascara. “I need to wear it on camera.” She’s seen what happens when she doesn’t wear makeup. ‘Are you sick?’ “Is Amy dying?’ ‘What happened to that Latina girl’s face?’ Another reason why she shouldn’t read the comments, but how else would she know to improve?

“You look great,” Jake says sincerely, then a grin cracks across his face. “Did you believe that? Am I a good spouse or what?” He rubs his hands together.

Amy just sighs and continues to apply makeup, ignoring him. She feels him deflate next to her, and he turns to her. “I'm sorry. That was dickish. And you really do look nice.”

Amy tries to hide her smile, so she turns to Terry. “How are we doing the whole marriage thing? Are there any forms to fill out?”

“Do you want there to be?” Jake asks incredulously. Amy doesn’t deign to respond and focuses on Terry.

“We figured you guys could do a silly fake wedding for the video,” Charles speaks up. “We even have a little awning set up outside.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Jake says cheerfully, “I’m in.”

“Okay, let’s start the shoot,” Charles says, moving behind the camera. “You guys ready?”

“Yep,” Jake says, then it seems like the three of them turn to Amy.

She nods, “I’m ready.”

+

_Which Fast Food Chain Has the Best Hashbrowns? // Taste Buds by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: June 15, 2015)_

_Jake is asleep in the passenger seat, there’s a sound guy (Deetmore) in the back, and Charles is driving. The timestamp says 5:15AM._

_Charles: We woke up super early to get to all the fast food restaurants before they stop serving breakfast- Jake, wake up!_

_Jake flails in his seat at the loud noise._

_Jake: (as he wakes up) HASHBROWN HUNTDOWN! (regains consciousness) Oh hey, Boyle. How long was I out?_

_Charles: 20 minutes. Now come on, Jake, we’re on a mission._

_Jake: You’re right. This is super important. (The audience has no idea if this is sarcastic)_

_-_

_Still in the car. Timestamp says 5:23AM_

_Jake: What’s our rubric? I vote for crispyness to be one. I like ‘em crispy._

_Charles: Because you’re not a heathen. I packed my mom’s Weight Watchers Scale, so we can measure the weight of our hashbrowns._

_Jake: Sure. We should probably rate their looks._

_Charles: Yes, because we eat with our eyes._

_Jake: Well, we also eat with our mouths-_

_Charles: Ooh! I thought of another one: Mouth-feel._

_Jake: That’s not a thing._

_Charles: It totally is._

_Jake: (to the sound intern behind them) Deetmore, back me up._

_Deetmore looks up like a deer in the headlights._

_Deetmore: (stammering) I-I just wanted to l-learn how to use the sound equipment._

_Jake: Fine, mouth-feel can be a thing._

_Charles: (raises both hands) Yay!_

_Jake: (frantic) Hands on the steering wheel!_

_-_

_(McDonald’s)_

_Outside of the Buzzfeed offices. Timestamp says 9:26 AM._

_Jake: (running while Charles films him) The McDonalds is right by our office so we’re going get our coworkers to join us._

_In the offices, and Jake suddenly has a megaphone._

_Jake: ATTENTION BUZZFEED WORKERS! THE NEW TASTE BUDS VIDEO IS ABOUT TO EAT MICKEY D’S HASHBROWNS. EVERYONE JOIN US, THEY’RE ALL ON CHARLES!_

_Charles: (from behind camera) They’re all on me!_

_Shortly after, a majority of people from BuzzfeedBrooklyn are gathered around holding hashbrowns. Timestamp says 9:40AM._

_Jake: Three. Two. One._

_They all eat a bite in and cheer and food-moan._

_Jake: Aces all around. This is amazing._

_Charles: Stellar mouth-feel._

_Jake: (smiling at Charles) Don’t ruin it_

_Terry throws a hashbrown chunk at Jake._

+

Jake and Amy stare at Terry after he finishes going over the rules. Suddenly, Amy feels a bit overwhelmed and realizes that this might be much more difficult than she had anticipated.

Terry shrugs at their surprise and explains, “Committing to another person for the rest of your life is a crazy adventure-”

Amy gasps slightly and Jake laughs. “When you said that, my heartbeat just ran up,” She laughs too, because Jake continues along a similar vein.

“God, that makes my back itch,” He tries to reach his back but he can’t. Sighing, Amy reaches behind them and scratches his back.

“Oh, I could like this marriage thing,” He tilts into her touch.

“Don’t make it weird,” Amy says, but she’s still scratching his back.

“Y’all alright there?” Terry asks, grinning mischievously. They jump apart.

“Yes, sir.” Amy drops her hand and folds them in her lap instead.

“Totally,” Jake says, then clears his throat. “What I don’t get, is how you just don’t get sick of each other from constant interaction.”

“Marriage isn’t constant interaction,” Terry says reassuringly. “It’s co-habitation. When you love someone and you move in and you get married, you want to because you love spending time with them. But time apart is healthy. Another healthy thing is hanging out with other married couples. It’s also just fun. Which is why Sharon and I will host you guys for a dinner on Wednesday night.”

“That’s so sweet-” Amy starts to say but Jake interrupts.

“Are you guys gonna cook us food?” Jake looks so excited. “I can’t recall that happening by anyone not my mom-”

“Get it together,” Amy tells him, then turns back to Terry, “Please continue.” She’s not looking, but she can tell Jake is rolling his eyes.

“Best part is, you guys don’t have to have us back.” Jake and Amy high-five. “All we ask is that you keep in mind the rules I gave about how to behave at an adult party.”

Jake’s jaw drops, “You’re inviting us to an orgy?”

“Stop calling it an orgy!” Both Terry and Amy snap at him. Terry continues normally, “And that reminds me. The two of you have to share a bed.”

 Jake and Amy both pause at that. “I’m fairly certain that’s an orgy, Sarge,” Jake says, obviously.

Amy hits him, “An orgy is way more people than that, idiot.”

“Oh yeah, and what makes you an expert?” Jake fires back.

“Jesus Christ, you guys are already an old married couple,” Terry laughs to himself.

“This is going to be the worst week, isn’t it?” Amy says, already regretting every decision she’s ever made since it lead her to this moment.

“I know right?!” Jake agrees, but he sounds way too happy about it.

+

_How To Behave At An Adult Party by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Nov. 17, 2015)_

_Summary: No, *not* an orgy._

_(No sweatpants, no jeans, and no shorts)_

_The video is showing why you shouldn’t be doing these things. Jake walks in wearing sweatpants and a basketball jersey._

_Terry: This person is impeccably underdressed, and it’s ruining my mood._

_Jake: Maybe you should just chill, Hypothetical Partygoer._

_Terry: (terrifyingly) Change._

_Jake: (taken aback) Alright._

_Jake leaves. He comes back wearing a good pair of slacks and proper dress shirt._

_Terry turns to the camera and smiles with a thumbs-up. Jake, meanwhile, grabs a crab leg from the food table and bites at it. Terry catches this._

_Terry: Stop eating crab wrong!_

_-_

_(Think Before You Speak)_

_Amy is standing, talking to Ray and his husband, Kevin._

_Amy: Raymond, those slacks are a knockout._

_Amy immediately winces._

_Terry steps out of nowhere._

_Terry: Now what’s a better way we could have phrased that?_

_Amy tries again._

_Amy: Raymond, you look very handsome tonight._

_Ray: Thank you, Amy. Your compliment did not deter me from attempting further conversation._

_Amy pumps her fist excitedly in the air._

_Amy: Yes!_

_Everyone looks at her._

_Subtitled: *Also think before you act._

_-_

_(No Staring At Your Phones)_

_Gina is leaning against the wall on her phone. Rosa is standing nearby._

_Rosa: (utterly deadpan) Wow. This person is on their phone during a social event. I find myself deterred from wanting to engage in scintillating conversation-_

_Terry: (off-camera) Make the words come_ alive.

_Rosa: Maybe if they were better words._

_Terry: What would you say then?_

_Rosa: (back to Gina) Tear your eyes off your (beep)ing phone before I rip them out and make you eat them._

_Gina looks up at her, making a face._

_Terry: (off-camera) That’s wildly inappropriate._

_Rosa: But it worked._

_Gina: Tru._

+

“Wow, you really went all-out, Charles,” Jake says as they step out on the roof where they film videos when the weather’s good. Not for the first time, Amy can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic.

Since they have a slightly restrictive budget, most of the decorations are birthday-themed, but their decorative trellis looks like it was spray-painted white, but that’s because they want to use it for Charles’s father’s wedding to Gina’s mother after Charles and Gina stopped hooking up. (It’s confusing and oddly gross, Amy doesn’t ask questions.)

All of their main friends are there. “I expect to be the Best Woman, since I have known you for far too long,” Gina says to Amy’s week-husband (in Rosa’s voice in her head, she thinks “ha… weak husband) and Jake nods. In doing so, he turns back to Amy.

“You’re wearing _that_ , Santiago? Where’s the white?” He gasps as she looks down at her casual pink blouse, black slacks, and conservative heels. Her jacket is hanging over her chair back at her computer, and she wishes she had it on now, since it’s cold. Jake keeps talking, “Amy Santiago, who did you sleep with besides me, your husband and one true love?” He demands, hands on his hips.

Amy sighs, “Please don’t make me hit you.”

Rosa steps up besides Amy and crosses her arms, squaring up to Jake. “It’s your wedding day, and I’m maiden of honor or whatever. I’ll hit him for you.”

“It’s _not_ my wedding day, but thank you for that, Rosa,” Amy says definitively, using her arms to cover herself. She gets so cold so easily. “I’ll let you know if you need to punch him.”

“Preferably never,” Jake says, then turns back to Amy, watching her shiver. “Are you cold?”

“No-”

“Wow, first lie of the marriage,” He says with a smirk and shrugs off his jacket.

She goes to fight it, but throws it on. It’s very warm and fuzzy, but…

“Why does it smell like cheese?”

“Everything smells better when it’s like cheese-”

“That is completely false-”

Terry comes up, and starts setting people up as Charles sets up the camera. “Stop bickering, lovebirds. Let’s get the ceremony on the road.” He even places a veil on Amy’s face, even though it looks quite weird with her and Jake’s casual attire. She does like fiddling with the ends.

“At least this isn’t the Red Wedding,” Jake amends, looking around at all their friends and coworkers gathering around them. She gives him a confused look and he sighs, “ _Game of Thrones_? The best show ever? Wow, I don’t think I can marry you-”

Terry clears his throat as everyone remains in position and Charles starts filming. “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to watch Jacob Elijah Peralta and America Elenita Santiago get married for a Buzzfeed video only to get a divorce at the end of the week.”

“Just like God intended,” Jake interjects.

“Don’t interrupt,” Amy orders, “Please continue, Terry.”

Terry gives them a slightly amused look, and does continue, “By the fake-power invested in me for this fake-wedding, I now fake-pronounce you fake-husband and fake-wife. You may now kiss the fake-bride.”

Jake and Amy share a wide-eyed look, and both almost lean in but then they both jerk backwards. He then holds out his hand for a high-five, which Amy enthusiastically gives him because kissing would be weird. Right? So weird.

“Boo! Where’s the tongue?” Gina says, handing them both tiny bags of tiny flower petals to toss around, as she starts throwing flowers like someone could hypothetically throw spears. When they give her a weird look, she explains, “Flowers instead of rice, because the pigeons won't explode.”

“That’s not-” Amy starts to say but Gina shushes her and their friends start to take off.

“Oh, Santiago,” Jake calls to Amy before she can go back to work. “I have but one request for you, darling.”

Amy looks at him, expectantly because she knows this can’t be good.

He steps up to her, “Try not to fall in love with me.” He then showers her with his petals and walks away.

She just looks at the camera in confusion, shakes her head, then follows him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'll try to update ASAP. If you have any suggestions for Buzzfeed videos you want to see, let me know!
> 
> Note 2: Do you guys want me to add the links to the original videos in the fic? Or would that detract from the fic?


	3. But first, let me take a selfie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Chinese or pizza?” She checks.
> 
> “Both.”
> 
> “Not an option.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy the new update!! I might not update for a bit because I have so much stuff to do for finals, but I will update a ton over my holiday break<3

_ Perks of Having A Married Friend by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Jan 9, 2015)  _

_ (Get Set Up With Single Friends) _

_ Terry, Sharon, Jake and Gina are sitting at a table. A very obvious double-date thing. Terry grabs Sharon’s hand, but he’s speaking to Jake and Gina. _

_ Terry: We’ve been excited about you guys meeting for a while now- _

_ Gina: (playfully surprised) A set-up? _

_ Jake: (playing along) This is a set-up? No way! _

_ Gina: Wow! _

_ Jake: I’m shocked. _

_ Terry and Sharon laugh.  _

_ - _

_ (Help You Find The Right Person) _

_ Sharon and Terry are looking over Jake’s phone as he’s on Tinder. _

_ Jake: Whoa! This girl has a tongue ring- _

_ Terry: Nooo. _

_ Sharon: No respectable girl has a tongue ring, Jake.  _

_ Jake: This is Tinder, I’m not sure I’m looking for respectable- _

_ Sharon playfully smacks his shoulder and they laugh. Terry reaches over and grabs Sharon’s hand to hold it. _

_ Terry: I’m so glad we were able to skip this Internet hook-up stuff. _

_ Jake: Aw you guys are adorable. Now help me find a girlfriend! You’re already happy. _

_ - _

_ (Get To Have a Kid Without *Having* a Kid) _

_ Jake is sitting next to Cagney and Lacey who are playing with toys. _

_ Terry: Okay, we’ll be gone for four hours. We left the emergency numbers by the fridge, they’ll need to eat soon, but that’s all on the list. You got this? _

_ Jake: Um, handling two small humans for four hours? I’ll be fine! _

_ (Jump Cut) _

_ Jake, Cagney and Lacey are watching TV on the sofa, and they’re curled into him. Look closer, Jake is covered in food, drawings and general mess, but he’s smiling. _

_ + _

Amy flips through the binder as Jake drives them to her apartment after he packed a bag in ten minutes flat, astounding her. “Okay, let’s go over the rules again-”

“I was there for the video, Santiago,” Jake says slowly, like he thinks she forgot.

“Let’s go over the rules,” She says again, anyway. “One: you must sleep, eat, and live together. Two: Minimum of four texts a day-”

“Does Snapchat count?” Jake asks. “Because who even texts anymore?” Jake’s snapchat, peraltamcclane, has tens of thousands of followers. She, on the other hand, refuses to make hers, amysantiago718, public. 

“Texting is still a viable communication tool,” Amy says, biting back an exasperated sigh since she remembers the rules. “But we can add in some snapchats. Four texts minimum, one Snapchat minimum per day. Three: we must coordinate meals together, at least five meals this week. Four: We must each do two nice things for each other that are unplanned and spontaneous-”

“Are you gonna be able to do that?” He asks, faux-concerned. “You need a schedule for showering.”

“It’s more organized that way!” She defends herself, “You know what, I’m gonna start filming this and everyone’s going to be on my side.” She says, pulling out her phone.

“Um, nice try, they’re gonna love me,” Jake says.

She ignores him as she finishes the reciting of the last rule, “And, finally, we must each plan a date.” 

“Ew,” Jake says as they approach a red light near her place. “I’m the worst at dates. Wait! Do trips to a vending machine count?” He looks over at her, like a hopeful puppy. She just stares at him. “Fine, I’ll plan something decent.”

“And I’ll lower my standards,” She says just as cheerfully.

“Okay, rude,” He says, pulling into a parking spot. “Let’s do this. I’ll carry my shit, you film on your phone.”

“Sounds good,” She says, adjusting the binder and she and Jake walk up to her apartment. “Hey, Charles,” She starts off with the camera on her, since Charles will be editing this whole thing. It’s their nod to Quentin Tarantino’s tradition with his old editor Sally Menke. “So we’re currently crossing the threshold-” She stops and turns to Jake, “Are you going to carry me over the threshold?” 

Jake snorts as he finagles his way inside, “No, it’s your own threshold. You carry me.” 

Amy sighs to the camera, “Well, we were gonna stay at Jake’s place, but his apartment is basically a biohazard waste dump.” 

“Rude but fair.”

“Tonight, we are gonna have dinner together, and help Jake move in and stuff.”

“I got a bag,” He says with a smile, holding up. “This should be fun, living in a place that pre-dates modern fashion or taste.” He looks around at her decor.

“Do you really want to sleep on the couch your first night?” Amy says, and he flashes a dazzling smile at her.

“Got it, darling. Where’s your room?” She leads him to her (their) bedroom. He haphazardly tosses his bag about in her room then puts his hands on his hips and surveys her queen-sized bed. “We might have to spoon.” 

“That’s not going to happen,” Amy says. “C’mon, let’s get you settled and figure what we want for dinner. Wanna just order in?” She remembers what’s in her fridge. And it’s not pretty. They should probably go grocery shopping tomorrow. 

“Sounds good to me,” He starts unpacking and Amy tries not to wince as he takes over her space. She had just cleaned everything. 

“Chinese or pizza?” She checks.

“Both.”

“Not an option.”

Jake pouts at her but she doesn’t budge. Finally, he acquiesces, “Fine, pizza.” 

“First marriage compromise.”

“Yay, we did it,” Jake says, totally bland. But then he smiles at her. And she finds herself smiling back. 

+

_ Women Wear Boxers For The First Time by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Nov. 7, 2015) _

_ The editing style jumps around as they each explain why they’ve never worn boxers before. _

_ Amy: I find it unsanitary. I don’t care what the laundry machine says, I grew up with seven brothers. Nothing’s ever truly clean with boys.  _

_ Rosa: I find it weirdly intimate. Like, no. I’m not going to wear your underwear. Plus, I like thongs. _

_ Gina: The only brand of underwear I wear is made of a cotton-silk blend that costs over 3000 dollars. For a pair. So, you know, it’s a definite steal. _

_ Rosa: (off-camera) There’s something wrong with you. _

_ Gina: There’s nothing wrong with demanding class. _

_ - _

_ Amy steps out in the boxers, along with her blouse and shoes. _

_ Amy: (to off-camera) These are brand-new right?  _

_ Rosa: (off-camera) Yep. _

_ Amy: Then I love them. They’re so soft. _

_ She pets her boxer-clothed legs, and then looks at the camera in panic.  _

_ Amy: Don’t put that in the video. _

_ Now, with Rosa. _

_ Rosa: (pointing at the boxers she’s wearing, definitively) Yes. _

_ Now, with Gina. _

_ Gina: They’re not silky-amazing, but I approve of this. Thumbs up emoji. _

_ Rosa: (off-screen) Now you have to wear sweatpants over them. _

_ Gina: (flat) What? _

_ - _

_ Amy is now wearing baggy sweatpants over the boxers  _

_ Amy: There’s so much happening in my pants. (pauses, looks around) Thank God Jake isn’t here- _

_ Jake: (off-screen) TITLE OF YOUR SEX TAPE! The first sentence, not the second one. _

_ Amy: Get out of here! _

_ Now, with Rosa. _

_ Rosa: Not a fan, but I could deal.  _

_ Rosa kicks her legs about. She does a solid roundhouse kick at the air.  _

_ Rosa: Good for kicking ass. (puts her hands on her hips) I found my apocalypse outfit. _

_ Now, with Gina. _

_ Gina: This would be okay for an average person, but since I have exceptional standards, these do not meet them. Like, I bet Amy likes these. _

_ Amy: (off-screen) Wow, Gina. _

_ Gina: Don’t be surprised. You’re above that. _

+

Amy wakes up, surprisingly cold. She reaches for her knitted blanket (that she may or may not have knit) and finds herself grabbing at clothing-covered human skin.

That is not hers.

She almost screams, but resists the urge. Instead, she pushes herself up a bit so she can see better. And that’s when she remembers that Jake is sleeping in her bed. 

His face is pressed up against the pillows, slightly smushed. But mostly… vulnerable. He looks so young here. He’s only two years older than her, and she’s definitely the more mature one, but right now he just looks young. And it’s odd. 

Before she realizes it, she’s grabbing for her phone. Before she can do anything, like take the picture she oddly wants to take (for the scrapbook she’s constantly planning at any given moment), Jake starts to stir.

“Stop staring at me, weirdo,” His voice is sleep-rough and playful and before she knows it she starts filming.

“I wouldn’t be awake right now if you didn’t take the blankets,” She gives the camera a full-body roam, enough to see that he’s stolen the blankets. 

“I didn’t steal any blankets,” Jake insists, his eyes blinking up at her. They narrow at the camera, but then he ignores it and closes his eyes again. 

“He stole all of my sheets,” Amy says. “The camera agrees with me.”

“Lies. Lies and libel.”

“Libel is written, slander is spoken.”

“Nerd,” He digs his face further into the bed. 

“C’mon, we need to get up and go shopping so we’re not too late for work,” Amy pokes him with her free hand. He bats at it.

“It’s work if we film it,” Jake points out. “And it’s too early to make a sex tape joke, so don’t bother.”

Somehow, and don’t ask her, she manages to get Jake out of the bed. After, when she’s standing and her hands are on her hips, she looks around at the mess he’s already made in their newly-shared bedroom, “How do you already have boxers everywhere?”

“It’s a gift,” He goes to leave, padding away with one of her knitted blankets (that she definitely did not knit) around his shoulders like a cape.

“Hey, wait!” She calls for him. He stops, and turns to her. “We need to make the bed.”

He groans, kicking his head back. “Why?” He whines. 

“God, you’re twelve,” She says, because he’s messing with her morning routine. This ‘experience’ will suck. “Because we need to, it’s nicer to get into, and easier with two people.”

“Title of your sex tape.”

“Can I call for divorce yet?” 

He laughs, but does help her with the bed. But not without throwing pillows at her and complaining about the lack of purpose for decorative ones, which leads to a pillow fight. Though, he does make her pancakes for breakfast, and they are surprisingly delicious.

Maybe having a husband won’t be so bad after all. 

+

_ Best Friends Watch Hardcore Porn Together by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Oct. 11, 2015) _

_ Jumping around the various pairs of friends. First, Jake and Charles  _

_ Jake: I’m both excited and nervous to see what you’ll be interested in. _

_ Charles: Well, Jake, there are really only three ways to jerk off- _

_ Jake covers his ears with his palms and makes loud noises to drown it out _

_ Now Gina and Raymond. _

_ Gina: This is gonna be weird, since he’s my superior- _

_ Raymond: We can suspend that as of now. For the sake of professionalism, we should move on as if we are just typical colleagues- _

_ Gina: Fuck yes, time for porn! _

_ Raymond looks at the camera like he’s on The Office _

_ Now Rosa and Amy. _

_ Rosa: So wait, you’ve never seen porn before? _

_ Amy: (shying away) No. No-no-no. _

_ Rosa: Do you have something against a good time? _

_ Amy just laughs, but she’s blushing.  _

_ - _

_ (Charles and Jake) _

_ Charles: Ooh, this looks interesting! _

_ They watch the video silently for a moment. _

_ Jake: OH GOD WHY!??  _

_ Charles: *screeches* _

_ Jake: I- I didn’t know the human body could bend like that. _

_ Charles: *gasps like a fish* _

_ Jake: (gesturing with his arms) Her legs are like behind her shoulders... How?? _

_ - _

_ (Gina and Holt) _

_ Gina: I like the ones with no guys in them. Or that they’re silent. _

_ She starts typing on the computer. _

_ Ray: Why? _

_ Gina: Because men can’t find the g-spot, and the women just have to work harder to fake it. _

_ Ray: Women fake orgasms? _

_ Gina gives him a look. _

_ Ray: Gina, I’ve never been with a woman.  _

_ Gina: Nerd.  _

_ Ray: I’m  _ gay,  _ Gina. _

_ - _

_ (Amy and Rosa) _

_ Rosa is smirking slightly as Amy keeps recoiling. _

_ Amy: Okay… Okay, this is normal enough so far- (terrified) WHY IS HIS HAND UP THERE? _

_ Rosa flicks her eyes at her as Amy starts flailing. _

_ Rosa: Because she likes it. _

_ Amy: How does that fit in there? _

_ Rosa: Do you really want to know?  _

_ Amy: God no, change it, change it! _

_ Rosa: Weak. _

_ Amy: (correcting her) Sensible! _

+

In the car to the Target after picking up Charles, who’s humming to himself in the backseat, Amy pulls out her phone. Not to film, because Charles should be.

“Even though it’s only a week, I want you to feel at home-” 

“Awwwwww,” Jake coos at her, flashing a quick glance her way as he drives.

“Awww,” Charles adds, but Amy ignores the both of them.

“So when we go shopping, I’ll try to also include things for you as well. I’ll make a list,” Amy pulls up her phone notes, since she didn’t want Jake to defile her grocery binder with Cheeto dust. “What do you normally get for groceries?” She looks over to make sure she’ll get everything.

“Gummy bears,” Jake says immediately.

“Really?” She gives him a look, which he is not seeing.

“Always,” Jake says, completely serious. “I’ll  _ also _ make a list. And fill it with fun things.”

“You mean _childish_ things.”

“Same diff.” 

At the grocery store, Amy and Jake push around a cart while Charles films behind them, and it’s honestly like shopping with one of her nieces or nephews while they’re on a sugar rush. Every single turn and practically every step, Jake is distracted by something and that something apparently needs to be bought at this very moment.

“Ooh, we should get ginger beer, that sounds fun” or “IS THAT A NEW LAY’S FLAVOR FUCK YES” or just simply “Candy” and he’ll disappear for five minutes and come back with an armful of Halloween-sized bags of various candy even though it’s  _ February _ . He does have some regular, normal adult options which she allows him to place in the cart, but most of the time she’s running interference and playing parent and insisting that no, he doesn’t need twelve packs of gummy bears. 

She’s proud of herself for being able to keep him on track and by refusing to let him get anything ridiculous, but does notice that he looks a bit… honestly, bummed. Like he’s his cheerful self, but then, as they’re checking out, she remembers she has to do a Random Act of Kindness. 

“Oh, um, I’ll be right back, I have to get a card for one of my brothers,” She says, proud of herself for thinking that on the fly. Charles nods, but Jake goes, “Want me to come with?” 

“Oh, not necessary,” Amy quickly says, “You guys finish checking out, I’ll be right out.”

“K, darling,” Jake turns back to the cashier and their large amount of plastic bags. 

Amy  _ does _ get a greeting card, because you never know if you need one for emergencies, but stops by the candy aisle and finds they’re doing a special on a giant gummy bear-shaped plastic casing that’s filled with normal-sized gummy bears. Instead of forty dollars, it’s fifteen. And not even expired after she inspects it further.

Even though he should be outside, Amy casts a look in Jake’s general direction, but then sighs and decides that it might be worth it. Plus, she can try to stop him from eating the whole thing in one sitting.

Or, at least pretend she can. 

Armed with the ridiculous gummy bear and the greeting card, Amy self-checks out, to avoid the judgmental, shaming looks, and walks into the parking lot. 

Jake and Charles are loading Jake’s car, and the camera is not in sight. Thank god, she’s blushing too much for a camera to be rolling.

“Jake?” She calls out to him.

“Yes, darling?” Jake turns around and immediately spots the gummy bear. Because it’s massive. His jaw drops. “Holy shit, that’s huge.” 

“Title of your sex tape,” Amy says out of habit as she forces the gummy bear into his hands, then winces. He’s rubbed off on her, and now she makes that joke way too often. She nearly made it to her mother on the phone last week. And plus, that title may be positive for him. 

“My random act of kindness,” She says after he doesn’t say anything, forcing herself to have proper posture and not curl into herself like she wants to. Since Jake still looks shocked, she looks to see Charles’s reaction, and he’s filming. Dammit.

“Thanks,” Jake finally says, looking touched. Then he grimaces, “Aw dammit, now I have to get you something good.” 

“Yep, that’s how this week-long marriage works,” Amy says with a soft smirk. “C’mon, let’s get back to work.” 

“You can drive, I want to start on this thing,” Jake eyes the candy like he’s about to seduce it. Jesus Christ.

“Oh, so you’re going to let me drive your precious car?” Amy checks, and watches reality come back to Jake.

“Yeah, no way. Wait. I have a marriage-y idea. Why don’t you feed me while I drive?” He raises his eyebrows enticingly, then waggles them.

“Never.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a quick question for you guys. Do you want me to link the Buzzfeed videos I used for inspiration for the transcripts?


	4. What does the fox say?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I'll try to update soon but I have a lot more writing to go. Hope you like the update!

_Tame Friend vs Wild Friend by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Jan. 27, 2016)_

_Rosa and Amy approach the bar. Rosa is wearing an all black, partially leather outfit, and Amy is wearing a conservative dress with a blazer._

_Rosa: (to the bartender) Two lagavulins on the rocks. (to Amy) What are you having?_

_Amy: (to the bartender) Sparkling water with lime._

_Rosa: (deadpan) It’s a weeknight, are you sure?_

_Amy: Yeah, rough day. Gonna let loose._

_Their drinks are placed. Rosa immediately downs one of her whiskeys and Amy starts sipping at her water._

_-_

_Leaning against the bar, Rosa and Amy are both approached by two very different guys. One is the leather-donning, whiskey-sipping Marcus, and the other is the sweater-donning, pilsner-drinking Teddy._

_Rosa: (to Marcus) Sup?_

_Meanwhile, with Teddy and Amy_

_Teddy: Hey, how are you?_

_Amy: (nervously) I-I’m good, thank you._

_Meanwhile, Rosa and Marcus are making out. Teddy and Amy catch on._

_Teddy: Oh my._

_Amy: (reproachfully, grabbing Rosa’s shoulder) Rosa, we’re in public!_

_Rosa scowls, but does stop making out with Marcus._

_Rosa: Boo-(beep)ing-hoo._

_-_

_Amy is making a binder, when Rosa walks into their living room, draped in a blanket._

_Amy: Finally taking a break?_

_Rosa: (smirking) He needed one. But we were on round three-_

_Amy covers her ears with her palms. Rosa stops talking until Amy removes them._

_Rosa: So, how are you?_

_Amy: (grabbing phone) Teddy just got home, and he wants a picture._

_Rosa takes Amy’s phone, Amy tries to get it back, but we all know that’s not likely._

_Rosa: Great, take your top off._

_Amy: Rosa, no!_

_Rosa: Not for the tits, you got great shoulders._

_Amy: It is only 65 degrees in here-_

_Rosa: It’d be hotter if you took it off._

_Amy: Oh dear god._

+

Amy is going to murder Jake Peralta. Her week-husband. Her weak husband.

He keeps referring to her as his “partner in this journey of life and also in desk computer space” to all of the interns and their coworkers. It reminds her of their bet from a year ago, when they had this ridiculous competition with each other, with Amy trying to show up Jake, the producer-who-could-do-no-wrong and Jake trying to ruffle her, the producer-that-never-stopped. Just constantly trying to mess with the other for their stupid-ass bet that they took too seriously.

But now it feels worse, because they’re supposed to be friends now. Or so she thought.

Whenever she stood up from her desk, to print something or go to the bathroom or for anything, he’d also stand up and follow her (until she went to the bathroom) because, apparently, they’re “shackled together in all aspects.” Which he'd announce very loudly. Each time.

His death will be justified.   

It’s lunchtime, finally, and he goes off with Gina for pizza and Amy’s so fed-up with human contact that she just goes up to the roof. The same roof she got married on yesterday, sigh.

She reaches into her purse and finds her lighter and a loose cigarette (she keeps trying to quit) and starts to smoke it, relishing the familiar burn.

“I thought you quit,” A deep, familiar voice says.

Amy jumps and turns around, seeing Rosa, hands in her leather jacket, approach her. “Hey,” Amy relaxes slightly. Rosa never willingly talks to people, much less gives up secrets. She won’t tell anyone about Amy’s shame cigarettes.

“How’s the marriage going?” She asks, flicking her eyes towards the cigarette.

Amy exhales, blowing smoke, “Terribly. I might have to take you up on your offer to beat up Jake.”

Rosa smirks, “That bad?”

“Ohhh yeah,” Amy turns out towards the city, since she knows Rosa doesn’t like prolonged eye contact. She hears Rosa step up beside her. “I just… Why does he have to… be himself?”

“That’s kind of how personalities work. Not that I would know. People are stupid.”

“I know,” Amy says, because Rosa likes to think she’s not connected to any of them, or anyone in general. “I mean, why does he flip-flop so much? He can be so sweet and sincere and then five minutes later be moronic and immature.” Amy nustles into her jacket for the warmth.

Rosa shrugs, “Why do people do anything?”

Amy resists the urge to exhale like an angsty teenager. She’s not sure why she thought she might find solace or answers in a conversation with Rosa “the Ax” Diaz.

Suddenly, Rosa shudders, and makes a very-slight “eugh” noise and turns to her. “Look, for this week, he’s your stupid husband. You’re nothing if not dedicated and perfect, so how would handle Jake’s behavior if he was your actual husband?”

“I wouldn’t have married him in the first place,” Amy says resolutely, but Rosa gives her a glare harsh enough for Amy to feel chastened and she answers, “I’d probably talk to him about what was bothering me. And see if he could tone some stuff down. Ooh, I have a conflict resolution binder-”

“Of course you do,” Rosa rolls her eyes, but she’s smirking. “But this is Jake Peralta we’re talking about. Binders won’t work on him. You need to convince him another way.”

“I already got him a five-pound thing of gummy bears, how else do I bribe him?” Amy asks, brow furrowing.

“You got him five pounds of gummy bears?” Rosa clarifies, and when Amy nods, she says, “How did he not already marry you for real?”

Amy tries to roll her eyes at that, but she finds herself smiling as she puts out the cigarette. But she doesn’t answer.

“Don’t be miserable,” Rosa advises. “Don’t smoke on the rooftop. Go talk to your idiot husband.”

Amy nods, but can’t help but poke fun at her, “You’re so sweet-”

“Shut up or I will throw you off the roof.”

+

_The Bet Part Two by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Dec. 15, 2014)_

_Terry is standing in the middle of Jake and Amy. Jake’s arms are crossed, and he looks smirky. Amy’s hands are clasped in front of her, and she looks poised._

_Terry: So for those of you who haven’t been following us, for the past six months, Jake Peralta-_

_Jake waves._

_Terry: And Amy Santiago-_

_Amy waves._

_Terry: Have had a bet to see who could get more Twitter followers since June 13th of this year. Let’s remind them of the stakes. Amy, what happens if you win?_

_Amy: (smirking) I get to keep Jake’s car._

_Terry: Jake, what happens if you win?_

_Jake: (rubbing hands together like a cartoon villain) I get to take Santiago on the worst date of her life._

_Terry: The deadline is today, December 13th, in ten seconds. For the past twenty-four hours, we have banned them from the Internet, and we are now about to reveal those results. Dramatic pause…_

_Terry pulls out his phone and starts looking it up. And then he gasps at the camera._

_-_

_At Amy’s place, with Jake filming himself from his car outside of it._

_Jake: Alright world, let’s get ready to see Amy Santiago…_

_He immediately brightens and he turns the camera on her. She’s wearing a ridiculously awful blue dress. The audience can hear him chuckling from behind the camera._

_Jake: (giggling) You look like every girl I had a crush on in junior high._

_Amy looks down at herself then scowls at Jake._

_Amy: Jake, this outfit is ridiculous._

_Jake: That’s kind of the point, darling. C’mon, we have lots of embarrassing to do and not enough time to do it in. BUT WAIT. First, the bow._

_Diligently, Amy turns around to reveal the giant-ass bow tied behind her back._

_Jake: Beautifully awful. You are a disaster-piece._

_Amy: (bitingly sarcastic, but still playful) Wow thanks._

_-_

_They’re at BuzzfeedBrooklyn’s bar set for filming, filled to the brim with people with someone else manning the camera. Jake whistles and everyone looks at him, and the music turns down. Amy winces preemptively._

_Jake: Attention Buzzfeed guys, gals, and non-binary pals, Amy Santiago and I are going to attempt to dance to the Steerage Jig from_ Titanic _._

_Amy looks at him, confused. Jake continues._

_Jake: Which we have not practiced for in any way, shape, or form._

_Charles: (from behind camera, under breath) Romantic._

_He goes for Amy, who’s cringing, and they start dancing. Horribly. A true disaster-piece of a dance. The crowd loves it though._

_Amy: (barely heard, but audible) I hate your guts._

_Jake: Channel that passion into the dance!_

+

Amy corners Jake after he gets back from Sal’s Pizza with Gina. “Can we talk?” She asks, oddly.

“Yeah sure,” He says, even though he looks a bit apprehensive. “Should I bring a camera…?” He trails off. She shakes her head and leads them both to an empty conference room.

“Listen,” She begins then takes a deep breath. He interrupts her.

“Are you calling off the marriage thing?” Jake asks, an unreadable look on his face. “After two days?”

She frowns, “No, not at all.”

He seems to deflate. “Oh.”

“Did you _want_ me to-”

“No, no. I- Just say what you were going to say.”

Man things are already so weird, she wants to cringe. Which is why she speaks up, “I’d really prefer if we try to have this marriage-thing not impact our work-lives.”

“What do you mean?” Jake asks.

“It’s making me a bit uncomfortable, all the attention,” Amy admits, “I just want to do work and edit videos. I’m not about the whole… declarations of love and whatever.”

Jake grimaces, “I’m sorry, I’m just an idiot- I’ll stop. I…” He takes a deep breath, like he’s struggling to get the words out. “I wasn’t trying to make you uncomfortable, I was just trying to dick with you. But I’ll stop.”

“Awesome.”

They grin at each other, and everything suddenly feels fine. But then he says, “I can make this up to you.”

Amy raises an eyebrow, “Oh really?”

“Yeah. Date night tonight, my choice for you.”

“Jake, it’s already one o’clock, you can’t plan anything-”

“Watch me,” He looks mischievous but also excited. “I know where you live since I’ll also be there, but you just be ready by five. Gotta go, pumpkin,” He goes to take off somewhere, seriously what is he thinking?

“I- Jake!” She calls after him, but he just spins around mid-jog, sticks his tongue out, then disappears back into a different part of the office.

At 4:55, Amy is standing in her room, brushing her hair. She wasn’t sure what to wear, so she asked Rosa and Gina. Rosa said to “wear black” and Gina just said to “burn everything” in her closet, so Amy just went with jeans, a nice red top, and a nice jacket since it’s cold out. She never knows what to expect with Jake. When she and Teddy went on dates, it was always going to a microbrew that had pilsners and her driving him home. But when he got his own machine from his parents, they just stayed in.

Since Amy has to text Jake at least four times a day, she pulls out her phone. But then she sees that there’s already a text. From a new contact name. How did he do that?

From: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Hello darling pls come outside ur chariot awaits_

An odd sense of dread but also mild (okay, maybe more than mild) excitement stirs in Amy’s stomach.

To: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_What did you do?_

From: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Guss ull have 2 find out_

Amy considers just hiding in her place, but her curiosity combined with her overwhelming need to be punctual wins, so she steps outside.

And her jaw drops.

+

_When Your BFF Gets A Significant Other by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: May 23, 2015)_

_Charles is standing around in a living room, and then Jake walks past him._

_Charles: Hey Jake! Are you ready to go see the new Avengers movie?_

_Jake makes a face._

_Jake: Sorry, Boyle, I promised Gina I’d go see it. She loves RDJ-_

_Charles: (snapping) We ALL love RDJ!_

_Jake and Charles are surprised by Charles’s sudden outburst._

_Jake: I’ll-_

_Charles: Go see it with Gina. You guys have fun._

_Jake: Thanks man. Raincheck?_

_Charles nods. Jake leaves._

_-_

_Charles is standing around in athletic gear. Jake appears, also in athletic gear._

_Charles: Hey Jake! You ready to play basketball?_

_Jake: Sorry, man. Gina and I made plans to play ping pong together. You know how she feels about basketball players._

_Charles sighs but nods. He looks so heartbroken._

_Jake: You can come if you want-_

_Charles: Nah, but you guys have fun._

_Jake: Raincheck though, buddy?_

_Charles: Of course._

_Jake goes to leave.Charles: (somewhat quietly) I hope you get a wrist sprain._

_Jake: What was that, man?_

_Charles: I said I hope you get… a good time. Done. With you and your girlfriend. Person._

_Jake: Oh. Thanks._

_Jake leaves. Charles throws off his sweat headband._

_-_

_Charles is waiting with packed bags and a Hawaiian t-shirt. Jake steps out in the same outfit, also carrying bags._

_Charles: Hey Jake! You ready to go to Hawaii?_

_Jake: Oh man, sorry dude, I’m going to the Caribbean with Gina._

_Charles: We’ve had these tickets for a year._

_Jake looks uncomfortable._

_Jake: Aw man, I- Can’t you just sell the tickets on Craigslist or something?_

_Charles: (astounded) They have your name on them!_

_Jake: I’m sure there are plenty of Jake Peraltas-_

_Charles: But I want you!_

_They both freeze. Charles clarifies._

_Charles: I want my best friend back._

_Jake: Charles, I’ll be back in like a week. We can do something then, promise._

_Charles: (mockingly) “Raincheck?”_

_Jake: (not catching on) Yeah sure. See ya._

_Charles: I bet._

_Jake leaves, and Charles just sighs._

+

“Charles, what are you doing?” Amy asks, after locking her door to give herself something to do. He’s wearing a nice t-shirt, slacks, and a top hat, and standing in front of his own car.

“Hey Amy,” Charles greets enthusiastically. “You look lovely.”

“Thanks,” Amy smiles at him, then looks around. “Where’s Jake?”

“Oh, he’s meeting us at the second location. I’m not allowed to say,” Charles says matter-of-factly. “It’s a bar.”

“Okay then,” Amy says, trying not to laugh. Charles is too enthusiastic to ever be mad or cruel to. “Are- Are you driving me?”

“I am! I’m chauffeur tonight,” Charles says. “I am also filming some stuff, but that’s mostly on you two. Do you have your phone?”

“I do, should I bring my micpack-”

“You’ll be fine,” Charles says and hops in his place. Then he goes over to Amy’s side and opens the door to the backseat and extends a hand to her. “M’lady.” Charles is the only guy she knows who can say that sincerely and not come off as a brony.

Amy smiles and takes it, scooting into the seat. Charles drives off, and Amy’s phone dings with a text.

From: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Did Charles alredy spoils the surprixze?_

Amy bites her lip to stop from smiling, then rubs at her teeth because she’s wearing lipstick. She responds quickly.

To: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_That we’re going to a bar? Yes. Cat is out of the bag._

She gets another text soon enough.

From: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Did u pressur him at all??? ?_

Amy thinks back. Did she?

To: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Nope. Not intentionally, anyway._

From: “Hubby *rainbow of heart emojis*”

_Not serprized lol_

Amy grins at her phone, and then puts it away and starts talking to Charles about some video ideas. Before she knows it, the car pulls into a stop in front of Shaw’s. She looks out the window of the car to look at the sidewalk, but that’s when the door next to her opens.

“Hey, darling,” Jake slides in next to her, already filming. He’s not wearing the ridiculous outfit he wore on their fake date for the Bet he won, but he does look nicer than he normally does at the office. “Charles, my man, take a left up here.”

“Got it, Jakey.”

“Aren’t-” Amy looks outside at the bar. “Aren’t we going inside?”

“Nope,” Jake grins at her. “I knew Charles was going to spoil it, and this needed to be a surprise, so I had to go all badass James Bond secret agent espionage.”

“You know me so well,” Charles says from the front. Amy finds herself smiling.

“So where are we going?” Amy asks him.

“Jeez, Santiago, it’s a surprise,” He elbows her and she rolls her eyes.

“You look nice,” She says, low enough that Charles is (hopefully) not listening.

“Keep it in your pants, darling, wow,” Jake says obnoxiously but playfully. Amy just rolls her eyes and tries to hide her smirk.

Once Charles has turned on Toni Braxton, Jake then leans over and whispers in her ear, “You clean up great, Ames.”

And Amy can’t hide her blush that suddenly appears.


	5. Chocolate Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Okay, Charles, right up here,” Jake says, and then pulls out a tie and says to Amy, “Put this on your face.”
> 
> Amy leans back, “What-”
> 
> Jake laughs at himself, “I could have phrased that better. It’s a blindfold. I’m not Christopher Grey. I was serious about the surprise. Charles, say nothing. Nothing at all.”
> 
> “Can do, Jakey.”
> 
> Jake just gives Amy a doubtful look as he helps her situate the cloth over her eyes.

_People Vaporize Alcohol For The First Time by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Dec. 30, 2015)_

_(Preparing the Vapor)_

_Jake and Amy._

_Amy is reading the instructions, but Jake is already fiddling with it._

_Jake: I feel like this is how astronauts get fucked up._

_Amy: Really? I was thinking more of how Charles would prefer to drink._

_Jake: (agreeing noise) Eh, it_ is _fancy and unnecessarily complicated._

_The machine whirs._

_Amy: (panicking) Don’t break it!_

_-_

_Rosa and Charles._

_Rosa starts filling up her bottle._

_Charles: I love this. It’s a beautiful machine._

_Charles starts petting it, investigating it._

_Rosa: Don’t fuck it or anything._

_Charles: (genuinely taken aback) Jesus, Rosa._

_Rosa cackles out a laugh._

_-_

_Terry and Gina._

_The machine whirs as Terry fills up his bottle with the vaporized alcohol_

_Gina: (to machine) Damn girl, calm down._

_Terry: So we just open the bottle and then drink the air through a straw?_

_Gina: Apparently._

_Terry: Well, ever since I had my daughters, it takes me only one drink to get drunk._

_Gina: (to camera) So this should be fun._

_-_

_(Actually Drinking It)_

_They all open their bottles to find that it makes a very aggressive and loud POP when opened. They each react with a slight yelp or shriek (Charles) except for Rosa. After drinking the air…_

_Gina and Terry._

_Terry: (aghast) GEEZ LOUISE._

_Gina: (voice hoarse) Ohhh this tastes like rubbing alcohol._

_-_

_Rosa and Charles._

_Rosa: I like this. It burns like awesome._

_Charles: (voice hoarse) I will never understand you._

_Rosa: Good._

_-_

_Amy and Jake._

_Amy: (voice hoarse) I am in pain. Dammit._

_Jake: (voice hoarse, obviously lying) This is great. Give me more._

_-_

_(Are You Drunk?)_

_Charles and Rosa._

_Charles: I just feel really happy… and also I want takoyaki._

_Rosa: (to camera) So yes. I just feel like I could punch glass and not feel anything._

_Charles: Don’t do that._

_-_

_Amy and Jake._

_Jake: Slap me._

_Amy slaps him, not ridiculously hard, but harder than a pat. Jake waits three whole seconds to respond._

_Jake: (to camera) Yeah, I felt that. But I also want pizza. Or like Chinese food on_ top _of pizza._

_Amy: He’s drunk. And also a frat boy, ‘pparently._

_Jake: Is anyone surprised?_

_They laugh._

_Jake: What number drunk Amy are you?_

_Amy: I want to dance._

_Jake: So Three._

_Amy starts dancing in her seat._

_-_

_Gina and Terry._

_Terry is dancing on the table._

_Terry: WHAT IS LOVE?! BABY DON’T HURT ME! BABY-_

_Gina: (to camera, giggling) I love this._

_Terry: NO MORE!!!_

+

“Okay, Charles, right up here,” Jake says, and then pulls out a tie and says to Amy, “Put this on your face.”

Amy leans back, “What-”

Jake laughs at himself, “I could have phrased that better. It’s a blindfold. I’m not Christopher Grey. I was serious about the surprise. Charles, say nothing. Nothing at all.”

“Can do, Jakey.”

Jake just gives Amy a doubtful look as he helps her situate the cloth over her eyes. She feels a little nervous, out of principle. But she trusts Jake enough to do this.

The car slows to a stop and Charles gasps, immediately causing Amy to straighten.

“Charles, what is it?”

“Oh Amy-” He sounds like he's about to swoon.

“Boyle! Don't ruin the surprise,” Jake says, mostly whining.

“Got it.”

She guesses Jake is rolling his eyes. “Okay, pumpkin, I'm gonna get out, then I'm going to go for your side and help you out. Understand? Blink twice for no.” She reaches over to lightly slap him for his joke but she thinks she's just grabs his chest because he chuckles at her before she hears the door open.

It closes. The only other sound is Charles whimpering excitedly, but not blowing the secret. Her door opens and her hand is suddenly in his.

“Watch your step,” Jake warns, helping her up and out of the car without falling over herself. She hears chatter, but can't really discern anything. “Okay, I'm taking off the blindfold,” He says, his fingers brush against her hair and temples, and there’s a soft electricity there that she attributes to static. Then the fingers are gone and the blindfold is off.

Amy blinks and then her eyes lay upon the surprise.

It's the Museum of Modern Art. She hasn't been able to go since Halloween last year with how hectic her schedule has been, but she's missed it _so much_. And Jake somehow knew that.

“Jake,” Amy starts to say, but suddenly everything she wants to say seems like too much. So she goes with, “This is _so_ much better than a five-pound gummy bear.”

Jake nudges her with his elbow. “Don't know about that. Well, I got permission to film and stuff, and Charles is gonna pick us up in two hours and then I figured Polish take-out at your place.”

“Sounds perfect,” She says. Because honestly? It does.

“Race you inside?” Jake asks.

Amy huffs. “Peralta, can you be mature for just one-” And then she cuts herself off and books it to the door.

“Oh, you magnificent bastard!” He calls after her and she laughs as she kicks his ass and beats him to the door.

“You cheated,” Jake says, hands on his hips. He’s panting, such a dork.

“I _won_ ,” Amy says back with a smile. “C’mon, I have the membership, we can skip the line.”

“Of course you do,” He follows her in.

+

_Guys Try On Ladies' Underwear For The First Time // Try Guys by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Sept 14, 2014)_

_Terry, Jake, Charles and Holt, individually, try on different types of ladies’ underwear behind a sheet._

_(Bikini)_

_Terry: I’m surprised by how comfortable these are on my body._

_Jake: Something is just about to pop out. Can’t stop it. The beast will be unleashed._

_Charles: (confused, trying to situate) Maybe I should tuck it up?_

_Ray: I must say I appreciate the pink color against my skin tone. It seems to be aesthetically pleasing._

_-_

_(Boy Shorts)_

_Jake: I imagine that the lower half of my ass just sensually hangs out of them very... sensually. (After trying them on) I’m scared of how comfortable I feel._

_Charles: I can’t keep my hands off my butt, like it feels luxurious (Jake, off-screen: "Your ass or the panties?") Both._

_Terry: (looking in the mirror) Oh yeah! Make my butt look_ good _._

_Ray: I prefer regular boxers but this is not an unpleasant experience._

_-_

_(Thong)_

_Ray studies the thong in his hands._

_Ray: Where’s the rest of it? (Jake, offscreen: "That’s it") You know, I have faced a lot of homophobia but this makes me very jovial over the fact I’m gay._

_After trying them on..._

_Charles: (hysterically giggling) This is too small. You got me one that is_ way _too small._

_Terry: There is no coverage. Like, my d(censored)k is basically out. But the leopard print is a new design I haven’t tried._

_Ray: Feels like there is just a string between my buttocks, which I assume is what is happening._

_Jake: No, my butt straight-up ate the fabric. It came it saw it conquered. Veeni, Vani, Vali._

_Terry: (off-screen, pronouncing it correctly) Veni, vidi, vici._

_Jake: I can’t hear you I’m wearing a thong._

+

Inside the museum, Amy and Jake walk around, neither of their phones out yet. They can get to it later. “Is there an exhibit you want to see?” Jake asks, hands in his pockets.

Amy shrugs, buzzing with energy. “I’m honestly just happy to be here.”

“How Oscars-red-carpet of you.”

Amy laughs and mockingly says with a hand to her heart, “Well, it’s an honor just to be nominated.”

Jake snorts and takes out his phone. Right, they have to keep up the video stuff. While she knows, logically, that the whole _point_ of this is for a video, there’s something achingly similar to disappointment in her chest. “So it’s my turn for date night,” He says into the camera, “And I surprised Amy with a trip to the MOMA. Were you surprised?”

Amy only has a split second to play a response but she decides that going genuine is the smartest move. “I was. Jake told me it was going to be a bar but this was so much better.”

“You were an art history major right?” Amy nods. “Are you going to make me learn?”

“We’ll see how much I remember. Maybe I’ll quiz you,” She says, playfully low, nudging his side.

“That is some kinky shit, Santiago,” Jake nudges her back. She laughs.

“Oh, you know what I’ve always wanted to do,” She says and pulls out her phone.

“Write a dissertation piece on each piece of art in a wing? Nay, an entire museum?”

Amy ignores him as she pulls up Snapchat. “I want to make funny posts and use the filters on the paintings.”

“I- really?” He’s giving her a look, the same look he used when he found out she used to smoke cigarettes (he thinks she’s quit. It’s a _process_.)

“I’ve always been bad at Snapchat and you have thousands of followers so teach me,” She offers. She knows he’s been dying to teach her how to “ _actually_ be a millennial.”

“Man, I get to teach _you_ a thing,” Jake has such a wicked, happy grin on his face. “Take me to the paintings of faces, pumpkin,” He extends his elbow out to her, the camera still on them.

“Will do, darling,” She says back, looping her arm through as she leads them to a portrait exhibit.

Once inside, she pulls out her phone again. “I feel like the people watching us are judging us for being typical millennials,” Amy says, twisting her phone in her hands, lightly regretting the decision already as the older couples give them looks from across the hall.

“Well how is that different from them judging us online?” Jake points out, but Amy presses her lips together. She puts on a different front at work, but she has a nasty habit (almost as bad as smoking) of reading the comments on videos. It usually drives her to tears, smoking, or an anxiety attack, but she can’t seem to stop.

Since Jake has this bad habit of being able to read her like a book, Amy changes the subject, “I wonder which portrait will look best with the rainbow mouth filter.”

He gives her a sideways look. She thinks he’s about to say something but then he scoffs at her as he makes a duh-face at the camera. “All of them, duh.”

“Well, let’s find out,” She says primly and turns the camera on the portrait, ready to have fun on a ‘date.’

+  
Flavored Condom Taste Test by Buzzfeed Brooklyn (Released: December 5, 2015)

_(Weed Flavor)_

_Jake and Terry play with the condoms as they inspect the packaging._

_Jake: This is amazing, and I’ve been using plain condoms all my life._

_Terry: This seems illegal._

_Jake: Pretend we’re in Colorado or something. Okay, how do we wanna do this?_

_Terry: Pinkie?_

_They both stick their pinkies in and taste it._

_Jake: Oh dear GOD._

_Terry: That’s terrible!_

_Jake: Why would someone do that to weed?!_

_Terry: Why would someone do that to condoms?!_

_-_

_(Vanilla Flavor)_

_Amy and Gina play with the wrapping._

_Amy: I like vanilla flavoring._

_Gina: I just don’t appreciate vanilla sex. Where’s the kink-flavored condom?_

_Amy: Gina stop._

_Gina: Never._

_They stick three fingers into the condoms and lick the outside. They both start gagging and coughing._

_Amy: NO._

_Gina: The disrespect! It tastes like disrespect!_

_Amy: (to off-camera person) Why did you do this to me?_

_Gina laughs._

_-_

_(Mint flavor)_

_Rosa cackles as she unwraps the condom._

_Rosa: Look! Look, it’s bright blue._

_Charles: It would make my penis look like a smurf._

_Rosa: Maybe someone is into that._

_They both snicker and lick the condoms. They recoil in disgust._

_Rosa: Gack! Jesus Christ._

_Charles: I hate this. It takes like sad toothpaste!_

_Charles goes to bite the condom in disgust but then he accidentally inhales it, starting to choke on it. Instead of helping, Rosa just throws her head back and laughs._

+

Amy and Jake seem to silently agree to be done with each other’s company when they get home, but not in a bad way.

Almost in sync, they get ready to bed in unity. They turn away to change, like each time so far, and there’s a wall of pillows between them. Amy has a book and her lamp on while sipping at her nightly hot chocolate, and Jake is typing away at his computer. But then, the typing suddenly stops.

She pauses in her reading, afraid to speak up. She feels like a dam is about to burst, and she’s helpless to stop it.

“We had our first fight today,” He breaks their silence.

“We've fought before,” Amy corrects automatically. Even though she hates doing it, her fingers fiddle with the pages of Ron Chernow’s _Hamilton_ , creasing them.

“Yeah but not as husband and wife,” He corrects right back. “Are we okay?”

“Definitely, that date was amazing-” she says earnestly, then sees he's filming her. Something dims inside her but she ignores it. “You've certainly stepped up your game since The Bet’s Steerage Jig.” The teasing feels natural, safe. Like falling into a pattern.

There’s relief on his face, which in turn causes her to relax. “That was the most romantic moment of your life, don't lie, Santiago,” He says, grinning wickedly from behind his phone.

“Oh yes,” She says, dripping with sarcasm. “I just _love_ dancing with annoying, crazy coworkers in front of my normal, sane coworkers.”

“We work at Buzzfeed, darling. No one is sane.”

She laughs, “True.”

He puts the phone down. “But we’re cool, right?”

“As long as you don’t shout about how I’m your partner anymore,” Amy says.

Jake smirks at her, “I make no promises.”

She hits him with one of her nearby throw pillows.

“You didn’t,” He says, his face shocked.

She doesn’t say anything, just grins and hits him again.

“Oh it’s on,” And with that, he grabs a pillow and hits her in the leg.

“Move your computer!” She yelps nervously, not wanting it to break when they’re just playing around.

He looks at her, cocking his head, “You are so consistent.”

Before she can react, he’s quickly moving his laptop to the floor with one hand and smacking her with the pillow with the other.

They're shrieking and laughing and talking smack (“Beware the wrath of Jacob Peralta! Ultimate director slash genius!") but then she scrambles off the bed after trying to find purchase. And if there's one thing she learned from fighting with her brothers, it's you should always take someone down with you.

So, on instinct, she grabs Jake’s pajama sleeve and pulls him off the bed with her and they both fall on her bedroom carpet.

He lands on top of her, and his weight is immediately against hers.

“ _Ow_ , my elbow,” Amy says, releasing the throw pillow to grab the throbbing feeling on her arm.

“Shit, are you alright?” Jake asks, laughing a bit as he moves up on his hands, taking the pressure off her.

Amy suddenly feels very warm as they look at each other, even as the pressure of him lessens. “Um, we should probably go to bed,” She says quickly.

“Yeah, yes, definitely, so right,” Jake climbs off her completely and then helps her up after he stands. They climb back onto the bed.

“Night, Santiago.”

“Night, Peralta.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys like the update! I'll try to update more since I have break. You guys have been so amazing with all the comments and kudos and bookmarks, please know I truly appreciate it!


	6. I Said Get Down Low (And Hit the Quan)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy wakes up snuggled in warmth, like she’s in a burrito. It’s both outrageously comfortable and oddly stifling, so her rolls her body over and she suddenly smells the familiar scent of Old Spice soap and orange soda and something else.
> 
> Her eyes open and Jake’s sleeping face is in her immediate vision field, his mouth slanted open against her pillow, his breath (bubblegum toothpaste-flavored) hot against her nose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit explicit at the beginning so be aware of that! Hope you enjoy the chapter!

_Signs You’ve Found Your Competitive Soulmate by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released July 10, 2015)_

_Jake, Amy, Rosa and Gina are walking in a parking lot. Jake and Amy share a look._

_Jake and Amy: (at the exact same time) SHOTGUN!_

_They book it to the car and fight over the handle. Rosa and Gina roll their eyes to each other._

_Rosa: Why are they like this?_

_Gina: Who cares? Let’s just take my car_

_Rosa: Good plan._

_Rosa and Gina leave. Amy and Jake are still roughhousing._

_Amy: I called it!_

_Jake: You’re going down!_

_-_

_Jake and Amy are cleaning up a bunch of cardboard tubes and Jake tries to balance one on one finger. It quickly falls off. Amy then picks one up and tries to balance as well. She manages to keep it on, to Jake’s ire._

_Jake: Showoff._

_Amy: Well, if you got it..._

_Amy trails off, sending Jake a smug smirk. Challenged, Jake picks up the tube again and starts balancing. Amy looks over and glares, and keeps balancing. Jake loses balance and then his tube drops. Amy grins in victory. Annoyed, Jake smacks the tube out of her hand._

_Amy: Sore loser._

_Jake scowls then pokes her shoulder._

_Jake: You’re it!_

_Jake runs. Amy gasps then books it after him._

_-_

_Jake and Amy are playing tic-tac-toe on a scrap sheet of paper._

_Quickly, it escalates. They’re playing that everywhere. In the middle of meetings, using food, and on whiteboards. As they take over a whiteboard with tic-tac-toe games, Holt comes in._

_Ray: Enough! This is ridiculous. Be professional._

_Amy looks down, chastened. Jake exhales._

_Jake: You’re absolutely right. (turns to Amy) Wow, Santiago, get your act together._

_Amy grimaces for a moment as Ray leaves. Amy then turns to Jake and pokes his shoulder._

_Amy: You’re it!_

_Amy runs. Jake exclaims in frustration then chases after her._

+

Amy wakes up snuggled in warmth, like she’s in a burrito. It’s both outrageously comfortable and oddly stifling, so her rolls her body over and she suddenly smells the familiar scent of Old Spice soap and orange soda and something else.

Her eyes open and Jake’s sleeping face is in her immediate vision field, his mouth slanted open against her pillow, his breath (bubblegum toothpaste-flavored) hot against her nose.

She sucks in her lip to keep from waking him. Distracting herself from the way he looks so comfortable and open while dead asleep, she shimmies a bit to pull away but then his arm on her waist tugs her closer.

But he’s still dead asleep.

Amy’s not sure what to do and she doesn’t like that feeling. She’s never shared a bed with a friend before. Well, that’s not true she’s never shared a bed with a man who she wasn’t already sleeping with.

And it’s at that moment when she feels something hard against her thigh.

Her eyes widen and, before she can stop it, she gasps shakily. “Jake,” She whispers nervously, trying to wake him up without touching him more than she already is. Dear God, this is such an _odd_ position to be in _oh my god_.

Jake does nothing, just snores a little.

Amy looks up, asking for strength, then pokes Jake’s cheek.

“Five more minutes,” He mumbles, using a hand to slap at her finger.

“ _Jake_ ,” She hisses his name this time. “You need to get up.”

He grumbles, his voice so deep and low she can’t understand what he’s saying this time.

She _really_ doesn’t want to say or think the words “morning wood” so she pokes his nose this time. “Jake, get up.”

His eyes open slowly and he’s frowning. “What could poss’bly be so important-”

Her eyes subconsciously look down. On the bright side, it says a lot about their friendship that he seems to immediately catch onto what’s going on.

They stare at each other with such awkwardness that it could practically be cut with a knife. Suddenly, the pressure on her thigh disappears and there seems to be a valley of space between them.

Jake’s hand pulls away from her stomach like it’s on fire, and neither of them say anything for at least five Mississippis.

“This had nothing to do with you,” He blurts.

Half-sleep disoriented and half-actually disoriented, Amy stammers out, “J-Jake” but she doesn’t actually know what she’s going to say after that.

“This just _happens_ ,” He says, pulling the covers over his chest up to his chin even though he’s wearing a shirt. “It happens sometimes.”

“I-I know,” She says indignantly. “Regardless of all your jokes, I’ve had sex, I _know_ what morning wood is-”

“Alright, alright,” He says, shutting her up. They both say nothing. “Um, A-uh, Santiago, can I have some privacy to- uh- take care of this? Please?

Pure, unadulterated fear shocks through her. “In my _bed_ -”

“No! I- oh my god, don’t _ask_ me about it-”

“Okay! I’ll go take care of breakfast,” She throws on her robe and exits the room, trying not to picture how Jake is going to “handle” the situation because it just makes her cheeks burn.

+

_Did We Hook Up? by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Mar 20th, 2015)_

_In bed, Gina groans and reaches for her phone. She puts it back on the nightstand and rolls over and sees Charles, who is fast asleep._

_Gina screams, startling Charles. For a moment, they just stare at each other. And then they both start screaming._

_Gina: Why are you in my bed?_

_Charles: Why are you wearing my shirt?_

_Gina: Why aren’t you_ wearing _a shirt?_

_They continue bickering as the (Titlecard) shows._

_+_

_Gina and Charles tug the blankets up to their chests and panic._

_Gina: Oh dear Beyonce, we should_ not _have hooked up last night._

 _Charles: Agreed. You are_ so _not my type._

_Gina hits Charles in the shoulder._

_Gina: Bitch I am everyone’s type! Ugh... Okay, let’s just not see each other for a week and keep a low profile. None of our friends will know._

_Charles: Works for me, but what about brunch?_

_Gina: Shit. Ugh, why did you have to be irresistibly drawn to my charisma?!_

_Charles: Are you kidding? More like you couldn’t resist my sternum bush._

_Gina:_ No.

_+_

_After playing it cool at the brunch place, Charles and Gina start to crack during their brunch with Amy, Rosa and Jake._

_Rosa: Why are you guys acting so weird? Did you bone._

_Gina and Charles both stammer and Rosa barks out a laugh._

_Rosa: Oh my god, you two are ridiculous._

_Amy: Really? After everything that happened last night?_

_Gina + Charles: What happened last night?_

_Jake pulls up a series of Snapchats that show Gina and Charles getting super wasted and trying on clothes from Gina and Charles’s snapchats but nothing indicates they slept together before passing out._

_Gina: Oh thank god. I felt my reputation almost get destroyed._

_Charles: Mine too._

_Gina: Bitch you’re wrong._

_Amy and Rosa share a look as Charles and Gina continue to bicker while Jake just eats French Toast wrong._

+

Amy is not sure how, but she and Jake managed to eat breakfast (Eggo waffles because Jake is ridiculous and she can’t cook anything else), hit up Starbucks, and make it to work without any conversation of what happened. There’s still an edge of awkwardness to their interactions and filming their drive, but it's better than nothing.

At 1pm, it’s Amy’s lunch break, but she's still at her computer. But instead of working on a script or editing, she's looking through comments of videos she's in.

She's not conceited, she's actually taking notes in the designated notebook. Sometimes people think she talks too much or too fast, so she has to remember to improve herself and fix it.

Even though she doesn't really like going through the memories, she clicks on an old video that she did with Teddy when they were still dating, “Couples Try Aphrodisiacs.”

She’s looking through comments when she hears Jake laughing at something Sophia said and thinks back to Sophia Perez.

Sophia never worked for Buzzfeed, but she worked for _The LA Tribune,_ or as she called it “real journalism.” There was always something about her that Amy just didn't like or trust.

Whenever Amy and Jake are paired for a video after he posted a quick Tweet about their breakup months ago, there at least ten racist comments saying something about Sophia versus Amy and how they're “basically the same” and Jake “should have definitely picked Sophia if he's gonna be with a Mexican.”

Amy's about to close the tab when something hits her chair and she instinctively slams the notebook shut.

“What's up, wifey?” Jake asks after using his own swivel chair as a battering ram.

“Watching old videos for inspiration,” She says her typical response when she gets caught.

Her week-husband takes her computer mouse and scrolls up to see the actual video, causing her to bite her lip. Something dims in his eyes but there's a small smile on his face and the juxtaposition of emotions she just witnessed makes her feel like a jerk for accidentally drudging up old memories.

“That was a fun one,” He says, brown eyes locked on the computer screen.

“Wanna recreate it?” She blurts.

His eyes widen slightly and he kind of laughs as he turns to focus on her, “I-what?”

“Well, we’re _married_ , kinda,” She says, fiddling with her pen. “Maybe it’ll be fun to see if this works with, y’know, us.” It might be weird after this morning, but anything to get that look off his face.

Jake studies her for a moment, then nods. “I bet Charles has some of that weird shit in his lunchbox. Let me check.”

Later, he comes back with raw oysters, watermelon, avocado, dark chocolate and a banana.

“Wow, he really had everything,” Amy’s not sure why she’s surprised.

“Anything to help young love!” Charles calls over to them from his computer.

Jake laughs, “Damn, wish we filmed that moment.”

Amy, deciding he’s right, starts filming, setting the camera up on a tripod. “So I was looking through old couple videos on BuzzfeedBrooklyn and decided we should recreate them for the hell of it.”

“Because we’re _partners_ in _everything_ -” Jake says like a little shit and Amy hits him with the banana. They both giggle.

“You ready?” She asks him, peeling it. He nods. She hands him the banana.

He shakes his head, “No way, Santiago, you’re going to feed me.”

She gasps out a laugh, “You’re kidding-”

“We have to commit. Are you going to half-ass this?” He challenges her.

She takes the bait. “Ugh, you’re ridiculous.” But she does hold the banana up to his mouth.

Jake waggles his eyebrows as he bites into it and she laughs.

“Are you turned on?” She asks.

“Nah, you have to bite this fruit, like right in the head,” He takes the banana from her and tilts it. “That honestly just kills any possibility of erection for me.”

Amy takes that as a challenge and then grabs the banana back to bite into it as sensually as possible.

“I- what?” Jake seems confused, but also something else, and that Something Else causes heat to run through her.

Amy feels her cheeks burn with a blush so she sets the banana aside. “Not an aphrodisiac _at all_ , right?”

Jake scoffs awkwardly, “Psh, no.”

An awkward silence. Amy belatedly remembers the camera and hopes that Charles edits this out and tries to change the subject.

“Let’s try the oysters,” Those were disgusting last time, and if they’re Charles’s, they will somehow be even worse.

“Cool-cool-cool, noice, works for me,” He sends her a wicked grin. “It can’t be worse than the time Charles made squid gravy.”

Amy makes a face, “Indeed.”

+

_Vegan For 30 Days - The Test Friends by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released May 8, 2015)_

_Talking Heads._

_Terry: I am always interested in being healthier, but I love direct protein. I’m excited to try something new._

_Rosa: I don’t like the idea of restricting what I eat. Or being told what to do. (to off-camera) I don’t know why I agreed to do this._

_Hitchcock: (shocked)_ That’s _what this video is for? (Terry, off camera: Yep) Can I back out? (Terry, off-camera: Nope)._

_Amy: I am always excited to challenge myself, even though I grew up in a household that heavily valued meat. This should be interesting!_

_-_

_(Day 12)_

_They’re standing around a hot dog stand, pouting._

_Amy: Of course, they’re giving out free hot-dogs at work during our vegan experience._

_Rosa: (violently, yet also apathetic) Of (beep)ing course._

_Terry: Hitchcock has already eaten four._

_They turn the camera on Hitchcock, who is stuffing a hot dog in his mouth._

_Hitchcock: Hot dogs aren’t vegan?_

_Rosa: You’re a waste of effort._

_-_

_(Day 23)_

_Talking heads._

_Amy: I tried eating fake meat. Almost died. Now I’m sticking to fruits and veggies, and I feel a lot healthier. (to off-screen) Feel my skin._

_Amy points to her cheek. Rosa comes from off-camera to pet her cheek. Rosa doesn’t look happy about it, but does it. Rosa’s eyes widen._

_Rosa: Damn. That_ is _soft._

_Amy: I know right?_

_Amy turns to the camera happily._

_Amy: I really didn’t expect to like this venture but I think I’ll try incorporating more vegan meals into my rotation._

_Now, Rosa._

_Rosa: This was a waste of time._

_Now, Hitchcock_

_Hitchcock: I'm still confused how being vegan and vegetarian are different._

_Now, Terry_

_Terry: My wife says that I seem much happier, so I consider this all a plus._

_Jake: (off-screen) Take a shot, everyone, Terry mentioned his wife!_

_-_

_(End of 30 Days)_

_At an In-n-Out. Terry, Hitchcock, Rosa and Amy are all scarfing down burgers._

_Amy: (to burger) I missed you._

_Terry: That was fun and all-_

_Rosa: No it wasn’t._

_Terry: But I’m glad we did it together._

_Hitchcock: True dat._

_Rosa: You ate meat like every day. You failed._

_Hitchcock: Whatever._

_Amy: Why is your shirt off?!_

+

After oysters, banana, and watermelon, Amy cuts up the avocado with silverware from the communal kitchen, because Charles just likes to eat them whole (while skinned, but still whole) and then spits out the seed. She always has to excuse herself if she sees he’s packed one because watching it is just... too much.

She spears a slice of forbidden fruit (she remembers that fact from just watching the video) and goes to feed Jake when she notices he’s staring at her very intently.

“Do I have oyster on my face?” She asks, using her free hand to wipe at it.

Jake is still staring for a moment, then he seems to come to. “What? Oh-uh, nothing I was just...” She waits for him to spit it out. “Did you have fun last time you did this?”

Amy’s eyebrows furrow together in confusion, and before she can ask to clarify, he does it anyway.

“Like did it _work_ when you were with someone you were dating, not just, y’know, married to for the sake of the Internet?”

Amy ponders an answer, oddly taken aback by the question. She doesn’t have the fondest memories of Teddy Wells, even though he was her only serious boyfriend. He was four years older than her, and a beer blogger online. They met at a “journalism” conference called “Want tips to learn how to Clickbait? The answers will shock you!” a few years ago when she was an undergrad at Columbia. They kept in touch, but didn’t start dating until late 2014 when she got her internship at Buzzfeed.

She quickly became a producer when she came up with TestFriends, and he got really annoyed with how much time she was spending with all her crew, but specifically Jake, which is ridiculous. And she was getting fed up with the fact all he wanted to talk about was pilsners and how to make pilsners and how to _taste_ pilsners and she was ready to throttle him at the mere mention of a pilsner nearing the end of their relationship. They actually broke up on a double date with Jake and Sophia, which was its own bucket of issues that she doesn’t feel like touching at the moment.

“Honestly?” She asks, getting herself back on track. He nods, leaning back in his chair. “The food was way more interesting and sexy than Teddy was.”

Jake says nothing for a solid second then bursts into laughter. She smiles. Ever since she was an intern and Jake was this cooler-than-thou, hipster-than-thou producer, she's always strived to make him laugh. Now they're friends, professional equals, and even fake-married, but she can't seem to shake the feeling of pride that courses through her.

Suddenly, still laughing, Jake falls backwards off the swivel chair. Amy gasps and immediately goes to his side on the floor.

“Jake! Oh my god, are you alright?” She starts checking his neck for any signs of breaking, she used to be an emergency response team member and her brother Marc is an EMT.

His laugh has turned into a wheeze, “Jesus Christ, Santiago-” He sounds like he's had the wind knocked out of him, which he has.

She hears the sound of skidding feet beside them. “Everything alright? Damn, JP,” Terry’s voice says, but Amy is too busy fervently checking the back of Jake's head for blood and/or wounds.

Phew, clear.

“I have broken every bone in my body,” Jake says dramatically, like the large ham he is. “I will sue you for everything you’re worth, Jeffords.”

“He’s fine,” Amy says.

“Don’t speak for me.”

“I can, I’m your wife.”

“Not legally.”

“I am in this office,” Amy counters. “And at our homes.”

“And at _my_ home,” Terry says, tapping his clipboard. “Remember, tonight’s the night you two are double-dating with me and Sharon.”

Jake and Amy share a wide-eyed look. _Crap_ , she had completely forgotten. Didn’t she have it in her planner? Oh dammit, she left her planner at home due to all the... _confusion_ this morning.

“You two didn’t forget did you?” Terry asks, looking amused.

Amy and Jake both stammer out a “ _No_ ” and Jake adds with an awkward laugh, “What are you even talking about, Terry-”

“7 o’clock, our house, bring wine,” He reminds them.

“Yes, sir,” Amy says, causing Jake to roll his eyes.

Ray walks past them. “Jacob, what are you doing on the floor?”

“Embarrassing myself, Holt,” Jake says, not making any moves to get up. Amy presses her lips together to keep from laughing.

“Don’t you have a video to edit?”

“Probably, sir.”

“Then it might be wise to get up,” He says primly. Both Jake and Amy stand. “And, Amy, don’t you have work as well?”

Amy nods, chastened while she hears Terry snicker.

But then Ray smiles slightly and says, “I know he’s your husband, but I think he’s alright, don’t you?”

“Yes, sir,” Amy says, trying not to smile. She has to be _professional_.

“Back to work,” He walks back to his office, and so does Terry.

“I can’t believe my wife broke my back,” Jake says, pressing a fist into the base of his spine.

Amy has no more sympathy, “You’re lucky that’s all I break.”

“Well, Ray was right, I have to edit. Enjoy your avocado, darling,” Jake turns back to his computer.

Amy turns off the camera, blushing when she realizes it’s been on the whole time, and dutifully sends the file to Charles. When that program closes, she finds herself on the Aphrodisiacs video again.

Out of habit, she refreshes and sees a whole new slew of comments. “That Amy chick just needs to fuck off with her boring bf” “That boring couple is perfect together tbh” “I’m so sad they got rid of Sophia, shes SOOOOO much better then Aimee!!!!!!! Ugh!!!”

Amy shakily exhales, and closes the video tab.

But the emotions don’t go away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys liked the update! A very happy Hanukkah and a very merry Christmas (eve) to anyone who celebrates!


	7. Bound 2 (And Three)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amy grabs her phone and starts filming. “So far, double dating has been fun at the Jeffords house. We got the lovely Cagney here. Cagney, what do you think is the best part of being married?”
> 
> “Hugs!” Cagney says, obviously.
> 
> “Sweetie, you can hug people you’re not married to,” Sharon points out.
> 
> “But that’s how babies get made!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit, I was oddly stumped on this chapter! I will try to update the next soon!

_Couples Try Aphrodisiacs by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 23, 2015) (Part One - AMY and TEDDY)_

_(What do you consider an aphrodisiac?)_

_Amy: (with a smile) Strawberries with whipped cream._

_Teddy grabs Amy’s hand._

_Teddy: Maybe I can make you a strawberries-and-whipped-cream flavored pilsner._

_Amy smiles, but it looks a bit like a grimace._

_-_

_(Watermelon)_

_Amy cuts out the seeds._

_Amy: My brother Alex always told me that the seeds would sprout a watermelon in my stomach so since I’ve always been weirdly afraid of watermelon seeds._

_Teddy: Amy, that’s ridiculous-_

_Amy: I was_ five _._

_Composing themselves, Amy and Teddy each take a bite._

_Amy: I mean it's good, but I'd keep my clothes on. Especially on camera._

_Teddy laughs then looks at his bite of watermelon._

_Teddy: You know this reminds me of that pilsner we had at Sunset Brewery._

_Amy: Oh, you're right, Teddy! That was so good._

_Teddy: We should go back._

_Amy: Mm-hmm l-o-l agreed._

_-_

_(Raw Oysters)_

_Teddy: Is this really considered an aphrodisiac?_

_Amy: (to off-camera) Are you messing with us?_

_Rosa: (off-camera) Just eat it, you baby._

_Amy makes a face at Rosa and then lightly grabs Teddy’s hand. Together, they slurp down the oysters. They are revolted._

_Teddy: Ick!_

_Amy: I feel the opposite of turned on!_

_Teddy: Tastes like your cooking, babe._

_Teddy laughs lightheartedly and Amy smiles back after a moment of hesitation._

+

Amy wraps up editing a video that she did with herself, Gina, Rosa and Sharon, who nicely agreed to be in it. There were other female interns Amy could have asked, but a lot of them are still in college and since the subject was “Women Try Vintage Bras,” she was afraid of sexualizing them so early in their life. (She’s aware she’s only 23 but at least she’s making that decision herself and not acting as a higher authority over young interns.)

With a sigh and a sore neck, she finishes the end slate. Relieved, she saves and closes the Premiere app and rubs at her eyes. She’s going video-blind from staring at it so long.

Deciding she deserves a slight break, she pulls up YouTube.

Acting on their own accord, her fingers type the Aphrodisiacs video again. As the clips of her and Teddy play, she is only drawn to one thing.

She looks at her face, and sees all the flaws. Her nose is shiny. There’s a pimple at her left eyebrow and her cheeks are ruddy and her teeth are yellow in the studio lights and her smile is lopsided and-

Amy forces herself to take a deep breath, her traitorous fingers shoving into her jacket pocket for a cigarette she won’t find because she thought she’d be okay.

Exhaling sharply, she closes the video and rubs at her temples to hopefully alleviate the sudden headache that’s there.

Normally, she proofreads the video one more time, but out of energy, she just uploads “Women Try Vintage Bras” straight to the BuzzfeedBrooklyn channel. It will take a bit but she has time.

She looks up at the top corner of the screen and sees it’s almost 5 o’clock.

Shit.

Amy shoves all her things into her purse and then shakes Jake’s shoulder, since he’s engrossed in his phone.

“C’mon Jake, we need to get changed and grab wine for tonight,” She says, zipping up her jacket.

He doesn't acknowledge her, and she sees he has headphones in.

“You can play Kwazy Kupcakes later, we need to go,” She says, poking his calf with her boot-covered toes.

“What?” He snaps, finally looking up.

“ _Let's go_ ,” She grabs his leather jacket off his own chair and throws it at him. “I won't start getting a tardy record because of you.”

Jake gives her a look as he stands and pulls on his jacket, “Fact the first, it's a dinner with friends. Not a job interview. Fact the second, we have like two hours.”

“ _Traffic_ , Jake,” Amy insists as they shove outside. “Plus, I have no idea how to shop for wine.”

“Man, I wish something like the _Internet_ existed so you could look it up,” His words drip with sarcasm and it’s much more scathing than it normally is.

“Why are you acting so mean?” She asks.

“Why are _you_ acting so anal?” He snaps back, and she recoils slightly, glad they’re not filming but also sad she’s in this predicament without a barrier.

They’re stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, people shoving past them, for a moment that feels entirely too tense.

“I- whatever,” Jake says, his whole body deflating as he kicks at some slushy snow. “Let’s just get this over with.” He heads to their parking spot.

“Yes. Let’s,” Amy mutters to herself and picks up the pace to keep up.

+

_Couples Try Aphrodisiacs by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 23, 2015) (Part Two- JAKE and SOPHIA)_

_(What do you consider an aphrodisiac?)_

_Jake: Pizza. Especially from Sal’s._

_Sophia: Yeah, if you were to say have sex after eating pizza, then you could condition yourself to correlate pizza and sex._

_Jake: Well, all the time, I bang after eating pizza. Right babe?_

_Sophia: Damn right._

_They high-five._

_-_

_(Watermelon)_

_Jake and Sophia both go to bite into the chunks of fruit but Jake stops Sophia._ _  
_

_Jake: Wait, let me feed you._

_Sophia: Knock yourself out._

_Jake then feeds Sophia, and then turns to the camera. Jake is blushing and it’s adorable._

_Jake: Yeah, that’s kind of erotic, maybe. I mean, sure-_

_Sophia turns to the camera, smugly smirking._

_Sophia: Yeah it worked._

_-_

_(Banana)_

_Jake twists the banana in his hands._

_Jake: (sarcastic) Man, huh,_ nothing _sexual about this, right?_

_Sophia nods, playing along. Sophia takes the banana from Jake._

_Sophia: Yeah, no, nothing sexual at all._

_Sophia props the banana in her lap so it looks like a boner. The pair laughs and then open the banana. This time, Sophia holds it open to Jake to eat._

_Sophia: Maybe it’s kind of hot._

_Jake: Maybe you should bite it._

_Sophia: Maybe I will tonight._

_Jake grins with glee._

+

“I can’t believe you got us lost,” Jake says, shaking his head at Amy as they walk up the Jeffords’ house.

“ _You_ got us lost-” Amy bites back, but then she forces herself to breathe calmly. She will _not_ be in one of those couples that fights at other people's’ houses. Too many times her brothers had done it with their respective significant others and she will _not_ be subject to such embarrassment. Or put anyone else through such embarrassment. “But come on, we should start filming, so pretend to be a good husband-” She fiddles in her purse for her phone and pulls up her camera app.

 “I’m a _great_ husband,” Jake snaps, and they’re both just so tired of each other but that’s when Jake is knocking on the door, and Terry and Sharon open, and Amy is glad she’s filming because they look so sweet.

“Welcome to the Jeffords Abode,” They greet in unison, and it should be kind of awkward or weird but they make it charming and adorable.

“Oh, I love this wine!” Sharon says, studying the bottle. Amy tries not to preen since Jake was insisting on Barefoot like an _idiot._

“C’mon, Jake, the men are in the kitchen this week,” Terry says and leads Jake into the kitchen.

“You ladies try not to miss us much!” Jake says, waving like a nerd as he disappears. 

“Will do, honey,” Amy rolls her eyes and focuses on Sharon. “So, as wives, what should we be doing?”

“We are going to drink wine and gossip,” Sharon says with a smile as they sit at the table, which is very nicely decorated. “Want to break this open or do you prefer a white wine?”

“Oh, whatever’s fine-” Amy’s interrupted by a door opening from the side.

“People?” A tiny child’s voice says out of nowhere. Amy, naturally skittish, jumps and turns to the noise. It’s Cagney (or Lacey?) and she’s padding out of a room in her pajamas. “Somebody in the house?”

“Oh, I’m so sorry to wake you-” Amy says, starting to panic. Sharon just laughs and heads over to her daughter.

“Cagney is a very light sleeper, she prefers naps,” Sharon explains as she scoops up her daughter. “I’ll just go put her back to bed-”

“Well, if it’s alright with you, she can stay. You don’t have to differ any part of your parenting schedule on our account.” Amy knows how important schedules are.

“Sure,” Sharon walks Cagney over. “Cagney, this is Amy. You’ve met her before.”

“Hi Amy,” Cagney greets, waving.

“Hi Cagney,” Amy waves back.

“Do you work with Daddy?”

“I do.” Amy says, trying not to be baby-patronizing because that condescension does not help with growth and development. “He’s helping us with a video.”

She gasps in excitement. “Can I be in it? Mommy, can I be in the video?” She tugs on Sharon’s dress.

Both the twins had been in videos before, but Amy still looks at Sharon, who nods. “Of course, baby.”

Amy grabs her phone and starts filming. “So far, double dating has been fun at the Jeffords house. We got the lovely Cagney here. Cagney, what do you think is the best part of being married?”

“Hugs!” Cagney says, obviously.

“Sweetie, you can hug people you’re not married to,” Sharon points out.

“But that’s how babies get made!”

Amy chokes on her wine and nearly drops her phone. Sharon just simply says, “Oh my. Don’t- that’s not true. Who told you that?”

“Daddy.” 

Amy and Sharon share a look, and Sharon’s is very withered but secretly amused. “The best part of marriage is making up for little mistakes,” She tells the camera. “And trust me, Terrence might be getting what’s coming to him for that.”

Amy laughs.

Shortly after, Amy’s surprised to see how much fun she’s still having. Cagney is in her lap, nodding off slightly, and Sharon is a lot of fun to talk to. They’ve never really had any one-on-one opportunities, but it turns out they have a lot in common. Especially when Sharon gives her a fun drinking tip that she needs to film.

“Wait, wait,” Amy says, pulling out her phone and training it on Sharon, who’s grinning wickedly. “What do you do if you run out of wine?”

“I just switch my glass with Terry’s,” Sharon admits with a whisper, giggling at the camera as she swaps her empty glass with Terry’s full one.

“Has he ever noticed?” Amy wonders, curious.

“Never, and we’ve been together for ten years,” She laughs, and suddenly they're both in stitches.

Looking at her nearly empty glass, Amy films herself switching hers with Jake’s. “Thanks, Jake.” With that, they cheers their new glasses with giggly smiles.

+

_Couples Try Aphrodisiacs by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 23, 2015) (Part Three- TERRY and SHARON)_

_(What do you consider an aphrodisiac?)_

_Terry: I don’t really think I believe in them. If you take care of and love yourself, that’s a turn on for me._

_Sharon nods._

_Sharon: I agree. Also, green M &Ms. _

_Terry slams a palm on the table._

_Terry: Yes! I can’t believe I forgot those!_

_Sharon: They’re so good!_

_-_

_(Raw Oysters)_

_Sharon: Oh god, I’m scared._

_Terry takes Sharon’s hand._

_Terry: We can do this._

_Sharon nods and, together, they feed each other the oysters. They slurp them down and then gag._

_Terry: That’s disgusting! That is_ rank _._

_Sharon coughs._

_Sharon: I don’t think I can ever have sex again._

_Terry looks at Sharon, aghast. Sharon rolls her eyes and pokes his cheek._

_-_

_(Dark Chocolate)_

_Terry: Well, she already gets plenty of dark chocolate-_

_Sharon laughs, playfully slapping at his arm._

_Sharon: Terrence!_

_Terry: Come on, babe, try a bite._

_Sharon gives him a look but lets him feed her a bite of the dark chocolate._

_Sharon: Better than you._

_Terry: I doubt that-_

_Terry eats a bite then his eyebrows raise._

_Terry: Oh dang._

+

Amy laughs boisterously and falls into Jake’s side as they walk down the steps of the Jeffords Abode. She feels so _light_ and _fun_ like _nothing_ can bring her down.

She slips on ice and Jake’s arm, his nice, warm arm, wraps around her to keep her from hitting the ground.

“My hero,” She grins up at him.

He’s smirking at her, “I’d film that, but you’re sloshed, wifey.”

“I’m _loud!_ ” She corrects him, right in his ear. He winces. “Two drinks. I only drank your glass and my glass and one more but I drank water and sobered up and I’m not dancepants!”

Jake shakes his head, “Well, you almost went ice-skating if it weren’t for me.”

She flutters her eyelashes, “My hero.”

He cocks his head at her, “Is there something in your eye?”

“I’m being coquettish!” She stomps her foot as he goes to open the passenger door.

He chuckles at her, a quiet sound in the nice neighborhood. “Well, you’re doing great,” He says, but Two-Drink Amy can tell she’s being placated. She sits down at the curb since he can’t seem to find his keys.

Amy watches as Jake looks around for her, scanning eye-level before landing on her and her spot on the ground. “Did you fall again?”

“No, I just felt like sitting!” She says and Jake shushes her.

“You don’t want to wake up Cag and Lace, right?” He says, pulling her so he can open the door.

“Noooo,” She drags the word out, trying for a whisper.

Jake says nothing as he buckles her in. “I can buckle!” She says but he does it anyway.

Later, as they’re driving back to their place ( _her_ place), Jake clears his throat and turns off the radio.

She looks over at him, because Jake only turns off the radio to talk or if there are too many commercials.

It was in the middle of a Carly Rae Jepsen song so he must want to talk.

“Are we-” He starts then clears his throat and starts again, “Are we alright?”

Amy presses her lips together, the giddy feeling mellows when she remembers all the comments. The words all flash in her head, making her wince.

But that’s not Jake’s fault.

“We’re fine,” Amy says, a bit loud but she’s sobering up. “We’re good, Jake.”

They’re stopped at a stop light now, and he smiles at her. “Good.” Once they start driving again, he says, “Are _you_ alright?”

“I’m loud but I don’t think my hangover will be bad,” She says, thinking he means about her drunk-ish state.

“No-no-no I meant- You seemed kind of bummed today-”

“I’m fine,” She lies with a smile, looking over at him even though he’s looking at the road. “I was just worried about this video I was uploading but now that the stress is gone, I’m fine.”

Jake nods.

Amy releases a quiet, shaky breath, hoping he believes her. And then she remembers. _He_ looked really bummed when they were leaving to buy wine, and he seemed a bit out of sorts. Maybe she should check on him too.

She waits a moment, and then she says, “Are _you_ alright?”

“I am peachy keen, Santiago,” He says, sending her a quick look and smile.

“Eyes on the road,” She berates him. She’s not sure if she believes him, but it doesn’t seem to be something he wants to talk about.

“Can you believe how good that pasta was?” Amy says instead.

“So good!” He says, nodding so hard it’s like his head is bobbing. “Terry knows his way around a pumpkin pasta.”

“Agreed,” Amy says then fiddles with her hands. Since she's not sure how long she can hide behind that conversation, she says, “Well, we should film some last minute post-double date stuff and then we can go to bed.”

"Or we can procrastinate and film it tomorrow morning," He says, his voice hopeful but playful.

"No," She says, keeping her voice dry so he can't tell she's smiling.

They’re stopped at a stop sign right by her house and he raises his hand for a fistbump. With a reluctant smile, she returns it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! And I wish everyone a (belated) Happy New Year!


	8. Dragostea Din Tei (mayaHEEEE mayaHOOOO)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Grande double chocolate chip frappuccino with extra chocolate drizzle, an old-fashioned donut, and a birthday cake pop,” Amy recites from memory, making sure she grabs her purse.
> 
> “You knew all that?” He cocks his head.
> 
> “Because I wasn’t sure if I needed to call an emergency dentist after your order,” She sticks her tongue out as she shuts her door. He flips her off, and then goes to drive around the block as she puts in the order.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I did not expect to write this so fast! I hope you guys like it!

_The Starbucks Limited-Edition Frappuccino Taste Test by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: June 15, 2015)_

_(Red Velvet Cake)_

_Rosa and Gina both study their drinks before they take a sip._

_Gina: I can’t think of anything more basic than red velvet flavored Starbucks._

_Rosa snorts._

_Rosa: Want me to grab your Ugg boots for you?_ _  
_

_Gina: In the summer? Not even if it would cure cancer._

_Rosa smacks Gina’s shoulder and they both sip at the drink._

_Rosa: It doesn’t taste like red velvet. At all. Flagrant false advertising._

_Gina: The aftertaste is terrible. Like it tastes like raisins._

_Rosa points to her drink._

_Rosa: Fuck this red monstrosity._

_-_

_(Cinnamon Roll)_

_Charles giggles when he gets the name._

_Charles: It’s a cinnamon roll drink. Too pure for this world._

_Charles waits for Ray to get the reference. Ray does not._

_Ray: I am confused. What is pure about a cinnamon roll?_

_Charles: (slightly disheartened) It’s a joke on the internet. (A bit perkier) The viewers will like it._

_Ray: Then I am pleased._

_At the same time, Ray and Charles take a sip. Charles gags._

_Charles: That_ destroyed _my palate! Dear god! That is too sweet!_

_Charles flails his hands and looks to see Ray still slurping at the drink._

_Ray: I quite enjoy it. (drinks more) Tastes like summertime in the Hamptons._

_Charles: I will never understand you._

_-_

_(Cupcake)_

_Jake: What a bland-ass flavor._

_Amy: What do you mean? You love cupcakes._

_Jake: Because the joy of them is the fact they’re edible in one bite_ and _there are dozens of flavors! This is just ‘Cupcake’! What am I supposed to do with that?_

_Amy: (sarcastically) Drink it?_

_Jake: (playfully sneering at her) Okay, alright._

_They both take a sip._

_Jake: I’m disappointed. This is just the vanilla bean frapp. I don’t like being lied to._

_Amy: It’s kind of like a cupcake candle._

_Jake: It’s like eating a candle?!_

_Amy: How it smells! I meant how it smells._

_Jake: Wow, get it together, Santiago._

_Amy throws her used straw at him. It dots his shirt with frapp mix. Jake gasps, both shocked and amused._

+

Amy wakes up feeling warm and safe. Her eyes open and sees Jake in front of her. Her arm is around his waist, her palm against his soft stomach. Teddy had some lines, and Jake does too, but Jake's is more soft than lines and it's different in a nice way.

She feels slightly awkward at being the big spoon, but then that feeling goes away. It’s comfortable. It’s nice. Jake is fun to hold.

 _Ohhh-kayyyy_ at that thought, Amy pulls away and yawns. She looks over at her phone and seems it’s 8 o’clock.

Shit.

Amy flails off her bed and hits the floor, trying to find suitable clothes quickly. From the floor, she can see Jake shoot up on the bed, his hair a mess.

“Jesus, Ames, are you alright-”

“We need to go, it’s 8 o’clock,” Amy says, throwing on jeans from the other day that were on the floor (because Jake encourages bad habits and tells her to put off laundry so they “don’t waste water.”

Jake flops back onto her bed, “‘S that all?”

“Jake, you don’t live at your apartment that’s five blocks from the office, we need to _go_ now so we beat all the traffic,” Amy says, throwing on a sweater over her pajama shirt, then taking off the shirt through the sweater then sliding on the bra. She had no idea she was so coordinated.

“Shit,” He says and falls off the bed.

“Welcome to my world,” She mutters, falling to the floor to pull on her boots.

Later, when they’re slightly less frazzled, they decide to go to Starbucks to get something to eat and hope that eating in the car counts as “sharing a meal together” as per their marriage rules.

Jake pulls up to let Amy out. “Okay, I want-”

“Grande double chocolate chip frappuccino with extra chocolate drizzle, an old-fashioned donut, and a birthday cake pop,” Amy recites from memory, making sure she grabs her purse.

“You knew all that?” He cocks his head.

“Because I wasn’t sure if I needed to call an emergency dentist after your order,” She sticks her tongue out as she shuts her door. He flips her off, and then goes to drive around the block as she puts in the order.

+

_Women Try On Vintage Bras by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 27, 2016)_

_(Corset)_

_Each of these are filmed individually._

_Gina: I feel so fucking regal and sexy right now. This is great. Buy me ten of these._

_Rosa: If I lift my arms above my shoulders, my tits will fall out. (Rosa inspects herself) Which is kind of cool, but not the point._

_Sharon: Oh lord._

_Sharon looks at herself._

_Sharon: I feel like the star of a Jane Austen remake._

_Sharon pretends to fan herself._

_Sharon: (acting) Oh Mr. Darcy!_

_Amy: I hate this. I actually miss my underwire, because this just sits in front of my boobs._

_-_

_(The First “_ [ _Modern_ ](http://www.uselessinformation.org/brassiere/bra2.jpg) _” Bra)_

_Gina: This isn’t a bra. This is a SARS mask with ribbons. Are my tits giving people an infection? What is this nonsense?_

_Rosa: If I jumped right now? Shit would go down. The video would get flagged and I’d get a ton of gross comments on the video. (Rosa stares straight into the camera) Fuck the patriarchy._

_Sharon: This is step backwards from a corset. I feel no support in the chest area whatsoever._

_Amy stands awkwardly with her hands covering herself._

_Amy: This is the worst thing I’ve ever worn. And I had to wear a polyester/plastic blend for that bet I did with Jake._

_-_

_(Bullet Bra)_

_Gina: This is hilarious. I could wear this every day._

_Rosa: It’s comfy. Pointy as hell, but comfy._

_Sharon: This is worse than breastfeeding twins. In public._

_Rosa: I want to give myself a titty twister._

_Amy looks down at herself and makes a face._

_Amy: Looking down... is just an experience._

_Gina: Guys. Guys. Ask me where Times Square is._

_Gina swivels her chest around so she faces the opposite direction._

_Gina: It’s that way!_

_-_

_(Comments)_

_OverlySensitiveWomen: ughhhhh this was so stupid, what happened to free the titty??? #feminism_

_TatyaTurman_345674: whatevs that Amy girl is fucking fugly like those other girls are 100 right now and she’s just like a flabby mess._

_FatGiraffe: can that amy girl fuck off like her bf Teddy??? No one likes them in videos._

_ThatCommenterDude: Maybe that Aimee chick should tie that corsette on two tight_

_RosaMarkusShipper87: Bring back Sophia!!!!!!!1111!!!11!!111!!1!_

+

Amy sips at her coffee as she and Jake walk down the aisle of chairs to sit at their computers. As she drapes her jacket over the back of her ergonomic chair, she hears Ray Holt clear his throat. “Amy, would you mind speaking with me in my office?”

“Yes, sir, of course, sir,” She says, straightening herself as soon as he turns around to go into the far office- The Far Office? Why is he doing that in such a private location?

“Looks like you’re about to get fired, babe,” Jake says, eating his donut. “Don’t worry, I am super comfortable being a working husband-”  
She kicks his foot as she walks by, and she can still hear him chuckling as she walks down the hallway.

“Hello, sir,” She says once she’s in the doorway. “Would you like me to shut the door?”

“Yes, I believe that would be best.” 

Amy tries her best to smother her grimace but she probably didn’t do well as she sits across from him at the chair. The Far Office is mostly used for filming, or if they’re letting an intern go, or if someone is being reprimanded.

And now she’s very nervous.

“What’s going on, sir?” She asks hesitantly, terrified of the answer.

His fingers are steepled in front of himself and she tries to regulate her breathing. “I believe you said once that you try not to read the comments, is that a fact?”

She stammers, “I mean I try- Well- I-” She gives up. “I try not to but I read most of them.” 

“Have you seen the comments on your ‘Women Try Vintage Bras’ video?” He asks. She shakes her head. She was so busy last night she didn’t check. She even saw her notebook at her computer desk from when she left in a rush.

“No, sir,” She reiterates when he positions himself at his computer and starts typing methodically.

He turns the screen to face her and she can see the comments. Any comment that’s focused on her is scathing and cruel and attacking, going after her face and her body and her enthusiasm and her “nerdishness” like that’s even a word. One even tells her to kill herself, or at least die.

She feels herself start to hyperventilate but she _can’t act_  like this in front of Ray Holt.

“Ms. Santiago, are you alright?” He asks.

Out of instinct, habit, she nods, even though she’s sure she’s not convincing.

“Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do to help you in this situation professionally. We live in a product-to-person world, Amy. I cannot disable comments because we need the revenue and we cannot track the people because it is an invasion of privacy.”

She nods again, “I understand.” She puts her hands on the arms of the chair to leave when he says.

“However, as a colleague, as a friend, I’d like to offer you a friendly ear or even an Human Resources-approved duration hug.” He waits patiently for a response.

Amy presses her lips together. As much as she’d love a hug from her mentor, she doesn’t want it like this, near tears in the Far Office because some twelve-year-olds with an Internet connection have a vendetta against her.

“Sir,” Amy starts, hating how her voice wavers. “I knew this would be a side-effect of this business when I became an intern here. I have no regrets, and I don’t need any consolation,” She says, only the last part a lie.

“Well, if you change your mind, I am available for the hug or conversation,” He says, moving to stand. She stands as well. “But I do encourage you, within my realm of acting as superior in BuzzfeedBrooklyn, to seek out help. Maybe not from me,” He says as they walk out of the Far Office and down the hall. “Maybe from a family member, or even a coworker,” He says, and she follows his gaze to Jake Peralta, her week-husband, biting a pencil as he works on his computer.

“Thank you for the advice, sir,” She says.

But she doesn’t plan on taking it.

+

_People Try Moonshine For The First Time by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Nov. 1, 2015)_

_(Why haven’t you tried moonshine before?)_

_Amy: I thought it was illegal. Isn’t it illegal?_

_Ray: It was for a time. Now there have been an increase in legal distilleries. Even knowing the legality of the practice, I did not feel like blinding myself._

_-_

_Gina: Because I am a Rosé girl. Or Champagne girl. If it doesn’t cost more than 50 dollars than I’m not paying for it._

_Jake: 50 dollars for alcohol! Jesus, Gina, learn a life hack. Personally, I just never got around to it._

_-_

_Rosa: Isn’t it made like in toilets or something? Because that (beep) is rank._

_Terry: C’mon, open your horizons. Be positive._

_Rosa: (faux-positive) Yay free liquor._

_Terry: That’s the spirit!_

_-_

_(Ole Smokey Moonshine Cherries - 100 Proof)_

_Amy: (to off-screen) You gave us a plate of cherries._

_Ray: I believe the cherries are infused with the moonshine._

_Amy: Oh okay. Bottoms up._

_They both eat a cherry. Amy starts screaming._

_Amy: Oh god! That is the worse thing I’ve ever tasted! It’s death!_

_Ray: My tongue... is on fire._

_-_

_(Apple Pie Moonshine - 70 Proof)_

_Jake: Oh this smells NICE._

_Gina: The smell is a lie. It’s going to taste like death._

_Jake: Smells like a fancy-ass candle._

_Gina rolls her eyes. Together, They take a shot._

_Gina: Oh that wasn’t bad._

_Jake: I feel so warm. This is like a hug._

_Gina: You have such daddy issues, my friend._

_They both start giggling._

_-_

_(White Lightnin’ - 100 Proof)_

_Rosa: (to off-screen) You just handed us water. It’s clear as hell._

_Terry sniffs the shot then shrieks a little._

_Terry: Oh damn that ain’t water._

_Rosa and Terry both drink their shots. Rosa downs hers and Terry sips his._

_Terry: (after one sip) I can’t._

_Rosa: It tastes like corn. It doesn’t taste like lightning._

_Rosa smashes the shot on the floor. Terry gasps._

_Jake: (off-screen) Mazel Tov!_

+

Amy holds it in until her lunch break. She holds her breaking pieces together until she can smuggle herself and a cigarette onto the roof.

She sits near the edge, letting the smoke trail out. It’s so fucking cold, but the bite makes her feel something other than hurt or insulted and it’s honestly a bit of a relief.

“Thought you quit,” A familiar voice says, and she scrunches her eyes shut.

“Not now, Peralta,” She says, and she hates the way her voice is scratchy like she’s been crying. She _has_ been, but no amount of marriage (real or fake) could make her want to be in the company of another human being right now.

He says nothing, and she’s grateful for that. She’d be happier if he left her alone, but she can pretend he’s gone for now.

But then he starts talking, “So I was watching that video you posted.”

Amy takes a deep breath but doesn’t speak. With her eyes still closed, she pretends she can block him out.

“The one with the bras. Bras are so funny, and you guys were hilarious. That was a really cool idea, by the way. I might steal it for the Try Guys,” He’s blabbering to make her laugh but she won’t get in. “Anyway, I scrolled down the comments- breaking the first rule of Fight Club- and I saw that, like, all the major hate comments were directed towards you.”

She just takes a drag of the cigarette, opening her eyes to stare at Brooklyn.

“Which really sucked, because you’re my wife and all,” He says and she refuses to smile. She even bites down on the cigarette. “So I went through a lot of the recent videos with you, and I noticed a pattern. Dude, I’d be such a great detective let’s be real-”

“Jake,” She says, finally looking over at him.

He’s sitting next to her, even though he hates heights, and his dark brown eyes seem so much deeper than normal.

For two seconds, neither of them speak, but of course Jake breaks the silence, “So I noticed a pattern. And I saw that the comments have been happening a lot.”

“It’s fine-”

He ignores her, this time he’s the one that looks away and he starts playing with his hands. “And I also saw that a lot of those comments had something to do with me.”

“It’s not-” 

“Let me say this, please,” He asks her. She nods, even though he’s not looking. “The nice comments were a lot of shipping stuff between us, which is just... a thing.”

Oddly enough, she understand that.

Jake continues, “The mean comments, a lot of them were saying how you were coming in between me and Sophia.”

Amy chuckles mirthlessly, “Yeah I noticed that too.”

“I don’t get it,” Jake says and he turns to her. “I feel like I’m missing the point-” 

“A lot of the viewers think that you and Sophia were the ultimate Buzzfeed couple,” She interrupts. “And I came between that.” 

Jake doesn’t respond for a moment, “Literally, we have both Taron _and_ KevRay, how do people even-” 

Amy laughs, the kind where her stomach hurts during and after and it’s so freeing that she keeps laughing. Soon, Jake joins her, and they’re just two fake-married people laughing themselves to death on their office’s roof.

“Man, they wouldn’t be saying that if they knew how we ended,” Jake says with a dry chuckle as he leans back on his hands.

Amy stubs out her cigarette and says, “You don’t have to answer this but... how did it end between you guys?” Jake’s normally such an open, light-hearted guy. But when he and Sophia called it quits back in the summer, he came in, did his work, then left. Like he was in a daze. It stopped after a weekend where Rosa and Gina took him to Atlantic City, but he hasn’t talked to any of them about what happened.

“Well, we’d been dating like six months, and I told her I loved her,” Jake says matter-of-factly, staring out onto the skyline. Amy tries hard to cover any shock. “And she said ‘Oh really? I thought we were just playing around.’”

Amy’s eyebrows raise on their own accord, “She said that to you?”

“Yep,” Jake says, his voice flat. “I told her I thought we loved each other, but she said she didn’t love me. Apparently she thought I wasn’t ‘boyfriend material’ and had been dating other people on and off throughout our relationship.”

Amy is floored and for a long moment, she doesn’t know what to say.

“Well that’s bullshit,” She says, pushing herself to stand.

Jake’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. “Did you just-”

“You’ve been a _great_ husband to me this week, Jake, and our date was fantastic. I bet you treated better than she deserved. And-And I’m going to have our date tonight. The one I have to do. Yeah. I am going to prove it tonight with a great date because you deserve one.”

“Woah, Santiago, are you sure?” He asks, extending his arm so she can pull him up. She does. “I don’t know if you even have a binder planned-”

“I can do it,” She says indignantly. She does have a binder prepared, but it's just a list of potential ideas. “I am Amy Goddamn Santiago and I will plan us a great date.” 

He smiles at her, “C’mon, I need to edit a video or Tere-Bear is gonna skin me alive.”

“Lead the way,” She extends her hand this time. He grandly bows with a flourish and, together, they walk back down the stairs to their office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! The next chapter is Amy's date planned for Jake! What do you think she does for him?


	9. Don't Drop That Thun-Thun-Thun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Guys!” Amy shrieks a little. They both turn to look at her. “You were supposed to help me.”
> 
> “Are we not helping?” Rosa asks.
> 
> “You were supposed to be able to do this on your own,” Gina says pointedly.

_Can You Guess Your Husband By Touch - Kevin and Raymond by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb. 14, 2016)_

_(Do you think you’ll pass this test?)_

_Kevin: I truly believe so. Raymond and I have been together for many years and I have faith in myself and my tactile memory._

_Ray: Yes, my husband and I have held hands on many occasions and I also have faith in his tactile memory._

_Ray and Kevin smile at each other._

_Kevin sits on one side of a curtain, while Ray, Jake and Charles are all on the other side._

_Ray: The three of us will sit on this side and hold Kevin’s hand. He will guess at the end._

_Kevin: Let’s hope I do well, for the sake of our marriage._

_Ray: Yes, let’s._

_-_

_(Hand 1)_

_Charles sits as Hand 1, and Kevin sticks his hand through to hold it. Ray sits in the middle, Jake sits on the far end._

_Kevin: I’m supposed to hypothesize aloud, correct? Alright... this hand is soft like Raymond’s but a fraction too cold to be his. Also, there is much more hair than I’m accustomed to._

_Jake reaches over to look at Charles’s hand. He holds it up to the camera to confirm the hairiness silently._

_Kevin: I’d like to refrain from passing judgment until I have properly held all the hands but I’m fairly certain this is not Raymond’s._

_-_

_(Hand 2)_

_Now it is Raymond’s hand. Through the curtain, they hold hands. Kevin giggles a little, causing Ray’s eyebrows to shoot up._

_Kevin: If this isn’t my husband’s hand, then it’s very peculiar._

_Both Jake and Charles cover their mouths before they’re both laughing. Ray smiles, proud of his husband._

_Kevin: I need to feel the pinkie, one moment._

_Gina: (off-camera) Why?_

_Kevin: There is a break in Ray’s pinkie from a racquetball game. And I think I feel that here._

_Ray smiles, pleased._

_-_

_(Hand 3)_

_Jake holds hands with Kevin._

_Kevin: Oh this is very warm! Much warmer than Ray’s hand, usually._

_Jake looks down at his free hand in confusion._

_Kevin: And- Oddly enough, I feel like I’m holding hands with a woman._

_Jake scowls and Ray tries not to laugh._

_-_

_(Which hand was your husband’s?)_

_Kevin: I am going to guess Hand Number 2._

_Ray walks from behind the curtain. Kevin laughs happily and pecks his husband on the lips._

_Kevin: I was accurate._

_Ray: Yes you were. I am proud of you and I was not surprised._

_Kevin and Ray hold hands._

_+_

Amy paces in her living room as Rosa and Gina are sprawled on the sofa. “Why did I say that I could do this in just a few hours?” She asks them, panicking. “What the hell made me do that?”

Gina is playing on her phone, but says, “Well, based on your clothing choices, the only logical conclusion is that you’re just bad at making decisions.”

Amy pouts and looks down at her sweater and jeans. “What’s wrong with this? You’re wearing the same thing!”

Gina is in fact wearing a dark blue sweater and light blue jeans. Their choice of footwear even matches, the both of them wearing brown Uggs.

“But mine’s expensive.”

“You work at fuckin’ Buzzfeed, you can’t waste all your money on clothes you can’t afford,” Rosa says.

“And you also work at Buzzfeed but spend all your money on leather jackets,” Gina shoots back. “I recall you saying they’re ‘black and expensive.’”

“They’re an _investment_ -”

“Guys!” Amy shrieks a little. They both turn to look at her. “You were supposed to help me.”

“Are we _not_ helping?” Rosa asks.

“You were supposed to be able to do this on your own,” Gina says pointedly. “And look at you now, coming to us on your knees-”

“I’m standing.”

“ _Begging_ ,” Gina continues like she was never interrupted. “Because you’re too boring to be a wife.”

“Hey,” Amy pouts.

“Alright, enough, Linetti,” Rosa says. “You can do this, Amy, you just have to think. What does Jake like?”

“ _Die Hard_ , Buzzfeed, pizza, television-” Amy lists and then it comes to her. The perfect idea comes to mind. “Gina, Rosa, get out of here. I got this.”

Gina grins, “I knew I could inspire you.”

Rosa rolls her eyes and pulls her up, “You just love being a bitch to someone and hoping it works out in the end.”

Gina fluffs her hair, “I don’t question _your_ methods.”

“Good luck, Santiago,” Rosa says and exits the room.

Gina, dramatic as ever, puts a hand on Amy’s shoulder. Amy awaits the cruel comment.

“You just might deserve him,” Gina squeezes lightly, then walks away.

Slightly put off, Amy allows herself one moment to shudder but only one moment.

She has places to call and shit to do.

+

_People Try Flavored Lubes by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: June 23, 2015)_

_(Red Velvet Cake Lube)_

_Gina: Cake! (singing like Rihanna) Cake-cake-cake-cake-cake-cake-cake-_

_Rosa: (unimpressed) This looks like hand soap-_

_Gina: Don't interrupt me when I sing Rihanna. Plus it looks like magical elixir, shut your mouth._

_Rosa rolls her eyes and they both taste a little. They both grimace and Gina yelps._

_Rosa: Ugh! Oh, what the (beep)?_

_Rosa shudders and slaps her hands on the table multiple times. Gina, still grimacing, gasps._

_Gina: (amazed, to the camera) I’ve never seen her react like that to anything before_

_-_

_(Bacon Lube)_

_Jake: (playing with bottle) Bacon doesn’t make me think of sex._

_Amy: (surprised) It doesn’t get you off? Or at least help?_

_Jake: I think of it in the morning like post-sex, like this makes me nostalgic for the sex to be over._

_Amy: Yeah, we don’t want you guys to be finishing too fast._

_Jake laughs._

_Jake: You are feisty when you eat lube, damn._

_Jake squirts a little on their hands and they both eat some. Amy yelps and they both shake their head in disgust_

_Amy: Oh god why?_

_Jake: The whole bacon everything thing needs to stop! Goddamn!_

_Jake throws the bottle off camera as Amy nods in agreement._

_-_

_(Squirting Cum Lube)_

_Scully: Wanna do it blind without looking?_

_Charles: Sure._

_They put some on their fingers and lick it, without knowing what the flavor is. Pensive looks on their faces before Charles frowns._

_Charles: Not a fan, but it tastes natural._

_Scully: I like it. What is it?_

_Charles looks at the title and just starts screaming. Scully looks at it too._

_Scully: Not bad._

_He grabs the bottle and eats some more._

_Charles: What is wrong with you?!_

+

Amy jumps when she gets a text from Charles. She’s very grateful for the fact he agreed to babysit Jake while she set up the house.

All the lights are off, the TV is all set up, a camera is set to record and she is in her comfiest pajamas, with Jake’s folded nicely on her coffee table.

The door opens and he jumps. Of course, on this day on her date, he had to be early.

“Honey! I’m home!” He calls out grandly like the ham he is. “Is it safe to be inside?”

“Yes,” She says, giving a look at the camera just for funzies. She gets up and takes her phone to record herself walking up to him in her outfit while carrying his behind her.

“Wow, babe, you really dressed up,” Jake gives her a playful onceover. “And I super appreciate it.”

Amy rolls her eyes but continues on like he didn’t speak, “Since you took the liberty to choose my outfit for the Bet all those months ago, I have an outfit for you.”

“Am I finally gonna see Amy’s kinky side?” He waggles his eyebrows at the camera.

For that, she throws the clothes at him. Surprisingly, he catches them and studies them, turning the pajamas over in his hands.

“Pajamas? You don’t have reservations at like some Polish deli?”

Amy laughs and zooms in on his face, “Oh, so I surprised you, Peralta?”

“What? _Nooooo_ ,” Jake avoids and looks at the pajamas. “Wait, are we going to get dinner in our pajamas?”

“Not exactly-” Amy says and she gets interrupted by the doorbell ringing. She couldn’t have planned for better timing _oh wait she did_.

“Come on,” She hands him the phone and he films her as she answers the door to two delivery workers. One has Chinese and one has pizza.

Jake gasps, “You didn’t.”

“I did,” She pays them both and holds the food up to the camera with a smile. “Jake keeps pestering me to combine Chinese food and pizza together so I decided to humor him on our date.”

“This is amazing,” Jake says, turning the camera to face him. “I’m so excited.”

“Just wait,” Amy says, setting the food aside and clasping her hands together, for some reason also becoming excited. “You’re going to show me _Game of Thrones_.”

Jake’s jaw drops, “Really?”

Amy nods excitedly.

Jake beams at her and immediately hands her the phone and starts taking off his clothes.

“Oh my,” She says, at a loss.

Jake freezes, with his pants around his ankles and his shirt on the floor. “Um-”

“Don’t just stop!” Amy puts her phone down and quickly slaps her palms over her eyes.

“We _are_ married, Santiago,” Jake’s voice tells her, now sounding casual.

Amy squirms a bit, “But _still_.”

“Alright, you can look now,” Jake says.

Amy peeks through the cracks between her fingers before she lets her hands fall, now seeing her week-husband in the pajamas she set out for him.

“Alright,” Jake claps his hands then rubs them together deviously. “I plan on making you watch at _least_ the first three episodes.”

Amy smiles at him, “I’m in. Let’s make a plate and eat food and watch this show.”

“I am _so_ ready.”

+

_People Watch Game of Thrones for the First Time by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: March 13, 2015)_

_*WARNING: SPOILERS FOR THE FIRST EPISODE OF GAME OF THRONES*_

_(Why haven’t you watched the show yet?)_

_Terry: I have a wife and kids. I don’t get the opportunity to watch anything PG-13, much less rated M._

_Rosa: Fantasy is stupid. Plus, I’ve heard it’s fairly violent against women so I don’t want to support that._

_Jake: HBO is expensive as (beep). I don’t have_ nearly _enough money for that subscription._

_-_

_(During the first episode)_

_Terry: (first part) AHH WHAT THE (BEEP)?!_

_-_

_Rosa: Nice, that’s terrifying._

_-_

_Jake: What the hell?_

_-_

_Terry: You can’t do that in front of children!_

_-_

_Rosa: (slamming her fist down on the table) YES. Chop his (beep)ing head off!_

_-_

_Jake: (staring at the screen silently, completely enrapt) Whoa. Badass._

_-_

_(Near the end of the episode)_

_Terry: Aren’t they siblings?_

_-_

_Rosa: Ew. Nasty._

_-_

_Jake: THEY JUST PUSHED A KID OUT OF THE (BEEP)ING WINDOW!_

_-_

_(What did you think?)_ _  
_

_Terry: You know, I’m glad I gave it a shot, but I prefer my fantasy tales with princesses and happy endings. At least for now._

_-_

_Rosa: It was dope._

_-_

_Jake: Oh my god. I feel like I just stumbled upon heaven. I am getting a subscription and watching all the episodes this weekend._

_Gina: (behind camera) There are, like, six seasons._

_Jake: All. The. Episodes._

+

Amy gasps at the screen and turns to Jake, “They just pushed a kid out of a fucking window!”

“They did!” Jake agrees with her, so hyped he’s not even bothering to call her out for swearing. They’ve both been on the edge of their seats, stuffed to the brim with sweet and sour chicken/pepperoni pizza.

Amy bounces on her knees on her sofa cushions, “That was _amazing_. I’ve never seen such quality storytelling. And the costumes!”

He smiles at her, “Did you like it?”

“I loved it!” Amy smiles at him. “Can we watch the next episode?”

“Um, duh,” Jake flails for the remote and ends up falling over on top of her.

They are silent for five, full Mississippis. Neither of them move.

“So this _show_ right?” Amy says, her voice a bit too high-pitched for her liking.

“So good,” Jake says back, and he lifts himself off of her. “Are you ready for another great episode?” He asks as he sets up “The Kingsroad.”

“Definitely,” She grins and pulls her blanket so she’s covering the both of them.

Later, not sure how much, Amy hears _dundundadadundun_ in the background and her eyes slowly open. She yawns and her hand bumps into someone.

Jake sits curled up next to her, their heads nestled close.

She smiles at how soft he looks and reluctantly wakes him up, “C’mon, Jake, we need to go to bed.”

“Stay here,” He murmurs, throwing an arm around her.

She rolls her eyes. “We have work tomorrow. We need a good night’s rest.”

“Food coma.”

“Well, who’s fault is that?” Amy says and shoves his arm off of her. She gets herself standing, her blanket draped around her like a grand, queen’s cape. She grabs the arm that was just shoved against her and pulls him up on his feet.

“Ugh,” Jake groans but keeps himself standing. Together, they walk back to Amy’s (their? Amy’s?) bedroom.

As Amy brushes her teeth, Jake just stays flopped in bed. Suddenly, she can hear him call to her. “Santiago. Ames. Amy.”

She peeks out of her bathroom. “Yes?”

“You’re a great wife too, you know. And fuck all those comments, you’re not boring or ugly or terrible. This was the best date I’ve had in ages.”

Amy can’t help the smile that finds itself on her face, “Thanks, Jake.”

“No problem, wifey,” and then Jake is out like a light.

Amy keeps smiling and finishes brushing her teeth. That bad feeling finally doesn’t feel so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I have no excuses I’m sorry this took so long and I have no idea when I’ll get the next chapter up. Massive thanks to you guys for your patience and your continued support, I love you all and I love that you guys like this fic.
> 
> Also, shoutout to @detectiveterribledetective for the idea for the ending.


	10. Gotta Get Down on Friday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no excuses please forgive me

_Best Friends See Each Other Naked by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Nov 29, 2015)_

_(How long have you been best friends?)_

_The pairs stand in robes behind a held-up curtain. Only they will be able to see their naked companion._

_(Rosa and Amy)_

_Rosa: I wouldn’t say I’m best friends with anyone, but if I was, it’d be you._

_Amy: Aww! That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me in one year of not-best friendship._

_Rosa: Don’t get used to it._

_-_

_(Charles and Jake)_

_Charles: We’ve been best friends for almost three years._

_Jake: I’m surprised we haven’t seen each other naked yet._

_Charles: We got super close that one time-_

_Jake flails his hand._

_Jake: Bah-bah-bah, don’t tell that story (grins at the camera)_

_-_

_(Hitchcock and Scully)_

_Hitchcock: We’ve been friends for 15 years._

_Scully: And we’ve never seen each other naked. Well, I’ve seen him shirtless._

_Terry: (off-screen) EVERYONE has seen Hitchcock shirtless._

_-_

_(Ok, take it off)_

_The pairs face away from each other. Some (Charles, Amy) giggle in anticipation. They take off their robes. They count down to one and turn around. They appraise the other._

_-_

_Rosa: Nice. Way to keep it tight._

_Amy: I- thank you? And how’d you get that scar? It’s kind of cool looking._

_Rosa: It’s shaped like an ax so it’s my favorite. And playing sports._

_Amy just stares at Rosa._

_Rosa: My sister stabbed me with a Barbie foot._

_Amy: Holy-_

_-_

_Jake: I feel strangely fine._

_Charles: You should, Jakey, you’re a ten out of ten!_

_Jake: Thanks, buddy! You too. Wanna helicopter ‘em?_

_Charles: You bet!_

_They helicopter their dicks behind the curtain._

_-_

_Hitchcock: Damn, no wonder he gets all the ladies!_

_Scully: No one is surprised._

_Hitchcock: I’m glad you can keep it tight at 50._

_Scully: I’m 40._

_-_

_(Do you feel weird now?)_

_Amy and Rosa are wearing their robes again._

_Amy: I don’t. I think it strengthened our not-best friendship._

_Rosa: I agree. Plus, if I can trust anyone to keep it professional, it’s Amy._

_Amy beams at the camera._

_-_

_Jake and Charles wear their robes again._

_Jake: No, this was a real bonding experience._

_Charles: We should do this more often._

_Jake: Helicopter again?_

_Wordlessly, they shrug off their robes and helicopter their dicks._

_-_

_Hitchcock and Scully are both still naked._

_Hitchcock: Nah._

_Scully: I’m hungry. When’s catering getting here?_

+

Amy and Jake walk into BuzzfeedBrooklyn’s headquarters together, and immediately find a crowd huddled around a single computer, chattering excitedly. Even though they are over a dozen other computers in the room alone.

The fake-married couple share a look and push their way to the front. The energy buzzes like an electrical storm, and immediately Amy feels goosebumps. Especially when she notices Gina _and_ Rosa _AND_ Ray all grinning ear to ear in front of Terry’s screen.

“What’s going on?” She asks, trying to decipher. They’re just on the BuzzfeedBrooklyn main page on YouTube. Were they hacked? But then why are they smiling? This is why she isn’t a detective.

“We’re almost to 5 million subscribers!” Charles shouts in her ear. Amy and Jake both gasp and lean closer to the computer screen as Terry keeps obsessively refreshing.

“We were only at 4 mil 500k yesterday!” Jake says. Amy bounces excitedly and struggles to get closer.

“How many do we have now?” She asks.

“4,999,793,” Terry answers, eyes locked on the screen. “Terry has goosebumps.”

“Hit refresh again,” Rosa orders, gesturing at the screen.

_4,999,896_

“I can’t believe it,” Jake bounces up and down. “This week is amazing. First I’m fake-married, now real subscriber milestone. Guys, chills.”

“I know, it’s exciting,” Amy is shaking, actually shaking. She wasn’t at Buzzfeed when they first hit one million subscribers. Her internship started just after, and she always had to hear about how great the party was, always feeling a little left out. And now she’s _actually_ a part of this milestone. She grins from ear to ear.

Charles takes her hand in his and, suddenly, all their hands are locked together. His hand squeezes her left hand, and Gina’s hand squeezes her right. She feels so connected.

“Refresh again,” Ray says.

“I’m too scared!” Terry blurts.

“Fine,” Rosa leans over and refreshes the page. Amy holds her breath.

_4,999,974_

“Dammit!” Ray slams his hand on the desk. Everyone jumps. “Give us five million!”

“Best day ever,” Jake whispers in her ear from behind her. Amy grins a bit more.

“Check again,” Gina lets go of her hand to slap Rosa’s arm repeatedly.

Utter silence.

“Oh my god,” Terry whispers to himself.

_5,000,002_

Everyone screams, cheering at the top of their lungs. Everyone is jumping and some are crying and then the hugs start.

Charles pulls her in for a hug, and Rosa is punching her in the arm. Then Jake frees her from Charles’s tough grip and hugs her tight.

“We did it, wifey!” He cheers.

She jumps with him a little, feeling the happiest of tears in her eyes. She _contributed_ to this. She made something fun and beautiful. She squeezes Jake a bit tighter.

“We did it!” She pulls away to agree. Her arms are wrapped around his neck, his arms locked around her waist, and she realizes how close they are. Just one breath away.

Around her is chaos.

Inside her is chaos.

“Good work, partner,” He says, dropping his arms to extend a hand between them awkwardly.

She jumps slightly backwards to make space to shake his hand properly. “You too, partner.”

Someone gasps behind them and they turn around to see Gina and Rosa sharing an enthusiastic kiss against Terry’s desk.

The once-wild group goes silent, and the lovebirds catch on.

Gina pulls away from Rosa. Rosa turns to look at them while Jake and Amy share a quick look of mutual _OMG._

“Anyone have a fucking thing to say?” Rosa asks the gaping crowd, power-posing like a pro.

No one has a fucking thing to say. Good, because Amy would have fought them.

“Then let’s carry on,” Ray says. “But, before we return to media production, I would just like to extend an invite to an impromptu ‘bash’ at my residence on Saturday night. Attendance is not mandatory but appreciated. There will be alcohol-”

“Whoo!” Jake cheers on principle. She elbows her week-husband in the stomach.

Ray gives him a look before continuing, “Attire will be formal-casual. Please feel free to consult the handbook for guidelines. Thank you all for your hard work. I appreciate every single one of you.”

She knows it’s a blanket compliment, but Amy can’t help but preen under it.

“Now, back to work.”

Everyone disperses until it’s just Amy, Jake, Charles, Rosa, and Gina in front of Terry’s computer. (Terry, presumably, went to go have celebratory yogurt.)

“I can’t believe you’re in lesbians together,” Charles says. “And that you didn’t tell me. Gina, I’m going to be your _brother_.” 

“I know,” Gina says, fixing her lip gloss. “But Rosa wasn’t into doing the videos yet and wanted to keep it profesh and private, so I respected it.” 

“You Instagrammed a ton of pictures of us,” Rosa gives her a cutting look with no real edge.

“From my _finsta_ ,” Gina rolls her eyes and fluffs her hair. “God, keep up.”

“I’m happy for you two,” Amy says sincerely.

Rosa smirks at her. “I’m happy too.”

“I’m happy that Holt is gonna throw a fuckin’ rager,” Jake says. “Who’s ready to get turnt?”

“You’re 25-years-old,” Amy reprimands him.

“And you’re 100 on the inside-”

“Just get married already,” Gina says, bored. “It’d make for an interesting end of the video.”

“Do it for the views,” Rosa deadpans, giving them a slight smirk.

“Speaking of, we should film some talking heads for the video,” Charles says. “C’mon, buddy.” Jake and Charles walk away. Now it’s just Amy, Gina and Rosa.

“So how long-”

“Don’t ask me questions.” 

“Got it,” Amy says immediately and walks back to her computer.

She gets a Snapchat as soon as she sits at her computer.

It’s a selfie of Jake, making a silly face and holding up the ring emoji placed strategically in his fingers.

She sends a selfie back of her hand fluttered on her chest, and then goes back to work. She needs to be there to make it to 10 million.

+

_American Guys Try European Speedos // Try Guys by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: July 12, 2015)_

_(Why haven’t you tried it before?)_

_Shot individually._

_Ray: I am perfectly content in American swimwear._

_Charles: I’ve always been too afraid to buy them in the shops._

_Terry: Do you see me?? I am 6’3 245 pounds of pure muscle. I would break a speedo in half._

_Jake: Gina wouldn’t let me when we were kids together. She said I ‘didn’t have the pizzazz to rock spandex.’_

_Gina: (off-screen) I have NEVER said the word ‘pizzazz’ take it back!_

_-_

_(Wearing the Speedo)_

_Terry: It fits. But... it shouldn’t._

_Charles: *giggling* oh no... oh nooooo_

_Jake: This is like when men give women a piece of clothing and they’re like “mermzeep hey try this on, it will make everyone just stare at your boobs” because even_ I _can’t stop staring at my dick. I feel like it’s right in my face._

_Ray: I find this unpleasant. But at least, it is a private moment_

_-_

_(Wearing the Speed IN PUBLIC)_

_All four of the Try Guys sit on the beach under an umbrella._

_Terry: *rubbing sunscreen on his inner thighs* You see, this is a hassle. I don’t normally have to do this._

_Charles: I feel strangely fine. The girls are out._

_Jake: Don’t tell me that you call your thighs ‘the girls’._

_Charles: I have feminine legs, Jake. I’m not ashamed of that._

_Ray: Time for beach silence._

_The four sit in the shaded sunshine, basking in their European swimwear._

+

Amy lets Jake pick lunch, and they decide to grab Sal’s Pizza to-go so they can eat in the break room. Amy’s not normally a fan of greasy pizza, especially after having it for _dinner_ the night before, but Jake convinced her it was time to go “hella greasy to celebrate” and she couldn’t help but be inclined to agree.

“I’ve corrupted Amy, everyone,” Jake says, filming her. She glares at him over her pizza, using the slice to obscure her smiling face. “She’s eating _grease._ _Willingly._ ”

“He’s holding me hostage,” She deadpans, a smile sneaking through. “Send help-”

“Sup, Peraltiago,” Gina says, scooching in between them at the table even though there was more space across from them. They both make space anyway. “I need your help, and then I figured it can help you, so you’re welcome.”

“Gee, Gina,” Jake says sarcastically. “We’re flattered, but-” 

“I need you to taste test wedding cakes tomorrow,” Gina interrupts.

“We’re in.”

Amy reaches over and lightly hits his shoulder. “C’mon, man! You didn’t even ask me.” 

“Right, sorry. Amy, want to eat cake with me tomorrow?” 

“What are the details?” Amy turns to Gina, straightening up excitedly.

“Keep your panties on, Santi. I just need you guys to try on the bridesmaid’s dresses and eat cake.”

“I know gender norms are bullshit, but I don’t feel comfortable wearing a dress-” 

“Jake,” Gina claps her hands together and focuses on him with Linetti Intensity™.

“Focus. Amy will wear the dresses, since you keep it tight and we have similar figures. You both will pick the cake for the wedding.” 

“Shouldn’t Lynn and Darlene be picking the food?”

Gina shakes her head. “My mom doesn’t care and Lynn slash Charles care too much. I didn’t want to deal with it as Queen of Honor so can you two please handle this for me?”

Before they can respond, Gina continues talking, already having her phone out and texting. “Listen, this helps me as much as it helps you, ‘kay? It’ll be a cute couple thing since you fake-married. It could help as a wedding thing.”

Jake and Amy share a look. Jake pleads with her exuberantly, clasping his hands together. Amy rolls her eyes and shrugs.

“That sounds great, Gina, thank you,” She says. She knows that if she insists that it’s them doing the favor for Gina, then it will just make things worse. “Just email me the details-”

“Ew, emails are gross and pathetic,” Gina shudders. “I’ll Snapchat the deets. But don’t you dare screenshot. Bye, Peraltiago.”

“Peraltiago,” Jake repeats once she leaves. “Wouldn’t it be Jamy?”

“Jamy?” Amy scrunches her nose up. “That’s my brother’s name, no thank you.”

“But _Peraltiago_ ,” Jake enunciates every syllable. “Ugh, kinda weird.” 

“That is the preferred name in the comments,” Amy says. “Plus, you call everybody by their last names anyway-” 

“But you’re my wife,” He says, chewing on the crust. “I feel like it should be more romantic than that.”

“Fair enough-”

“FAKE WIFE,” Jake shouts suddenly, causing her to jump slightly. “I meant fake wife.”

Amy blinks, “I know.”

“Oh... good.”

They eat lunch in silence. It’s only after the pizza is over that they realize that they’re still filming. They _really_ need to stop doing that.

+

_Old People Find Love Together (PROPOSAL!!!) by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Jan 1, 2016)_

_Gina and Charles stand in the middle of a conference room._

_Gina: I would like to start the video by saying that I still am apprehensive about this idea._

_Charles: I will just edit this out._

_Gina: You better (beep)ing not._

_Gina glares at Charles. Charles recoils._

_Charles: Fine I won’t, but you can’t swear! This has to be romantic._

_Gina: Swearing can be romantic. Hell, it’s more romantic than your limp biscuit father._

_Charles: Gina, he’s right there._

_Charles pulls the camera up to reveal that Lynn Boyle is in fact standing right there._

_Gina: I’m aware. He should be grateful I’m even letting this happen._

_Lynn: Oh Gina, I’m so excited. Proposing to your mom is going to be the best day of my life._

_Charles frowns as Gina sneers._

_-_

_Lynn and Darlene sit down at a table in their studio._

_SUBTITLED: Darlene thinks they’re taste-testing margaritas. Lynn is instead proposing._

_Darlene: I wonder what kind of margaritas there will be._

_Lynn: *blurting* THERE WON’T BE MARGARITAS DARLENE_

_Darlene: *confused* What?_

_Gina: (off-screen) Dammit, Lynn._

_Lynn: I’m sorry, honey, we had a whole thing planned-_

_Darlene: A whole what planned?_

_Gina: (off-screen) A proposal._

_Darlene gasps and turn to Lynn as he fumbles with his ring box._

_Lynn: I love you Darlene. And I wanted to seduce you with “Ritas” but I dunno-_

_Lynn stutters and stumbles over his words._

_Darlene: Lynn._

_Lynn shuts up and waits._

_Darlene: Ask me._

_Lynn: What?_

_Darlene: Ask me to marry you._

_Lynn: Will I marry you?_

_Darlene: ...Try again._

_Gina: (off-screen) You’re a disgrace._

_Charles: (off-screen) You can do it, Dad._

_Lynn takes a deep breath._

_Lynn: Darlene, will you marry me?_

_Darlene: Yes._

_They kiss._

_Charles: (off-screen) Aww_

_Gina: (off-screen) Eww._

_-_

_Charles, Gina, Lynn and Darlene sit at the same table drinking Margaritas._

_Gina: Well... (slurps) I guess this won’t be so awful._

_Charles: You said it, sister._ Literally-

_Gina: No._

+

Amy bites at her Buzzfeed pencil and works at her comment notebook. But, this time, it’s not about her.

She’s going through the Taste Buds playlist on their channel. She goes through their rubric for their food grading and trying to see which ones she should apply tomorrow. So far she has flavor, moistness (ugh, she knows), sweetness, and frosting.

Suddenly, someone bashes into her and she yelps frantically as she tries to find the cause without falling off the chair.

It’s Jake, after having practically tackled her with his own swivel chair.

“Darling, you’re watching _me_?” He asked. “I’m so flattered, but I’m literally right here-” 

“Yes you are,” She interrupts. “So why did you have to interrupt me?” 

“Gina said I needed to improve my entrances so I gave it a shot,” He says, a shit-eating grin on his face.

She glares at him.

“Fine, I saw you were watching the Taste Buds and I was thrilled,” He says with a softer smile. She smiles back. “Did you miss your husband?”

“No, I’m doing research.” 

“Oh, are you doing analysis to see what you can do to improve our subscribers? So we can hit 10 mil?”

Amy’s taken aback. “No, but that’s a good idea.”

“I’ve been known to have a couple,” He boasts. She smacks his shoulder. “So what are you doing?” He asks, rubbing the mark.

“Trying to find a good rubric for tomorrow,” Amy says. Because he’ll be her partner, she angles the notebook so he can see it.

He squints as he reads it over.

“Just one thing for frosting? No-no-no, it needs its own category,” He grabs a pen and starts adding onto the page. “For the cake, you also need an ‘oh dang!’ factor and versatility-”

“‘Versatility’-?” Amy quotes, surprised but then Jake keeps talking.

“Not even to mention what categories you’ll need for the frostings, like color and sweetness and thickness-”

“Good, good, good,” Amy writes these down. She stops when he finishes talking. “Okay, that’ll be good. Any advice about the dresses?”

“Color, shape, cut, length, comfort, and aesthetic,” He rattles off. She scrambles to write them down.

“Wait, how does aesthetic differ from color?”

Jake shrugs, “I dunno. C’mon, let’s watch a couple Taste Buds videos, I love those.” 

“You can just... _watch_ the videos you starred in?” 

“Yeah,” Jake says obviously and then gestures to his face. “Look at me. I’m a delightful performer.”

Amy rolls her eyes with a smile, “Sure.”

“I’m serious, I would have loved watching someone like me when I was a kid,” Jake says, scratching at his forearm. “Shame Buzzfeed didn’t exist back then.”

“A real shame,” Amy agrees then goes back to her screen. “Come on, let’s watch a couple.” 

“Look at Santiago, letting her hair down,” Jake says as he scoots up beside her.

“Don’t push it.”

“Yes, pumpkin.”


	11. Oppa Gangnam Style

_People Try “As Seen On TV” Exercise Products by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Sept 29, 2015)_ (JAKE and AMY)

_The Kruncher_

_(“A device that will revolutionize your abs!”)_

_Jake and Amy study the weird bars that make up The Kruncher._

_Jake: I think I’ll break this._

_Amy: You probably will._

_Jake sticks his tongue out at Amy and gets down on the ground to try the product. He tries to do a sit up in it but it just snaps open. Jake yelps and flails out of it._

_Jake: Raymond! Santiago broke the Kruncher!_

_Amy huffs as the crew laughs._

_-_

_Swimming Sauna Shorts_

_(“Sweat Away The Pounds!”)_

_Jake: I don’t want to take my pants off for this._

_Amy: I don’t want you to take your pants off, either._

_Jake: Lies, Santiago._

_Jake gets the pants out and they cover his jeans. Amy looks at him and can’t stop giggling._

_Jake: (trying on a persona) I’m Kid Sapphire, Sumo Wrestler. Want to grab some frozen yogurt after my workout?_

_Amy bursts into laughter._

_Amy: I wanna try, I wanna try._

_CUT TO Amy in the shorts now._

_Amy: This is so hot around my crotch._

_Jake: Title of your sex tape?”_

_Amy hits Jake with the box as he laughs at her._

_-_

_Shake Weight_

_(“Shake your way to Firm & Fabulous arms & shoulders in just 6 Minutes”) _

_Jake and Amy gasp._

_Amy: I’ve always wanted to try one of these._

_Jake: Well, dreams do come true at BuzzfeedBrooklyn._

_They both turn them on and start trying to work out._

_Jake: You know... I feel like the inventor of this had to have been like “You know what’s a workout? Blowjobs.” And that’s how these were born._

_Amy: I think you mean “conceived”_

_Jake laughs_

_Amy: I really hope someone doesn’t Photoshop a penis in my hands._

_Jake: Now I gotta._

_Amy hits him with the Shake Weight._

_Jake: Stop hitting me!_

+

Amy wakes up in the bed with a gasp. Her hand clutches at her chest through her pajama shirt (a large piece of BuzzfeedBrooklyn merch that says _“where brooklyn at?”_ in a rainbow font. Jake snorts a little, waking up a little groggily.

“Shit- what? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Amy clears her throat. She sits up a bit, exhaling slowly. She was having the weirdest dream where Teddy made a YouTube video just to unsubscribe from BuzzfeedBrooklyn and her specifically, and it oddly stressed her out. But she’s awake now. It’s fine. “I just... had a weird dream.”

“Egh, that’s the worst,” He shoves his head back into the pillow. She oddly appreciates that he doesn’t pry. She feels like if Jake were more awake, he’d be shoving the camera in her face and wondering if dicks were involved. Sleepy Jake is Prime Jake, at least in her experience as his wife.

“We should get up anyway,” Amy says, swinging her feet off the bed so she touches her bedroom floor. “We have to do the video- Oh. My.” She leans back a bit, no longer as interested in getting up and going to brush her teeth to start her morning routine. That hit her like a figurative tidal wave. 

“What now?” Jake opens his eyes, fluttering them a little as he wakes up.

“I just realized, this is the last time we’re spending the night together. Tomorrow, our marriage is over.”

At that, Jake sits up. “Whoa, you’re right. How dramatic.”

She laughs a little and pulls on her glasses since she doesn’t want to deal with her contacts, “I guess that’s right. Should we fake a fight?”

Jake studies her slightly, so she studies him back. There’s a bit of drool by his lips and his fluffy hair points in all sorts of all directions. It’s distracting.

“Nah,” He says slowly, rubbing at his eyes. “I’d like my first marriage to not end in divorce.”

Amy opens her mouth and then closes it. That was oddly earnest. She smiles, “We can end it on good terms, Jake.”

“Good,” He starts messing with his hair, and that reminds her they promised Gina to be at the bridal dress boutique at 10. Gina apparently had held 10 dresses to try on and Jake and Amy were supposed to decide which one was the best and then that would be “Gina's” choice.

“C’mon, if we get ready to go now, we have time to grab breakfast,” Amy bribes him.

“Donuts?” Jake perks up, flailing his legs off the bed. 

Amy pictures all the cake they’re probably going to eat. But... they are eating the cake _after_ the dress boutique. So it kind of balances out?

“Sure, we’ll get donuts,” She promises. “But you have to get ready now.”

“Always a price, Santiago,” Jake says, but he smiles as he finally gets out of bed.

She can't help but smile to herself as she finally brushes her teeth. She decides to film a confessional as Jake showers in her second bathroom.

“It's our last day of marriage,” Amy says. “I'm surprised I might actually miss having him bother me all day.”

Deciding to end it there before she gets embarrassingly sentimental, she stops filming and goes to get ready.

+

_Try Guys Try Wedding Dresses by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: Feb 29, 2015)_

_(So what kind of dress do you want?)_

_Terry: I just want something I won’t rip in half. And that compliments my beautiful muscles._

_Jake: I want the most g*ddamn fluffiest thing you have... Bruce Willis is probably gonna officiate the wedding, so I need to dress to impress._

_Ray: Something professional, with sleeves, in case Kevin and I decide to get married in winter._

_Charles: I want something traditional, classic, and fun._

_Jake: Wow, Charles, I was expecting something weirder. But this is great._

_Charles: This is my_ wedding day, _Jake, I demand perfection._

_-_

_(Ray’s Dress)_

_The other Try Guys cover their eyes as he gets dressed._

_Ray: This fabric is an unusual experience, but not altogether unpleasant._

_The dress designer hands Ray a white blazer. Ray looks down at himself._

_Ray: Impressive._

_Jake starts bouncing in his seat._

_Jake: I have never heard him say that before, now I need to see._

_Jake, Charles, and Terry look to see Ray, standing in a beautiful, professional wedding dress and blazer._

_Terry: You look amazing!_

_Charles: “Wow” indeed!_

_Jake: This is the best day of my life. I’m going to send a snapchat to Kevin._

_Ray: How do you have Kevin’s snapchat?_

_Jake: Gina._

_Ray looks off-screen to glare (so subtly) at Gina._

_Gina: (off-screen) Sorry, boo!_

_-_

_(Charles’s Dress)_

_Charles stands in a beautiful, sleeveless mermaid-cut dress that’s covered in feathers. The other Try Guys cover their eyes to see._

_Charles: (to designer) What material is this?_

_Charles pets at the skirt._

_Designer: Chicken feathers?_

_Charles giggles in that high-pitched way he does._

_Charles: Chicken feathers?_

_Jake gasps._

_Jake: This I gotta see-_

_Jake removes his hand from his eyes, as do Terry and Ray. They all gasp._

_Jake: Not bad, Boyle._

_Ray: That looks fluffy._

_Terry: That’s a good color for your skin tone._

_Charles: Thank you, Terry! Glad to be in something that celebrates my whiteness._

_Jake, Terry and Ray all seethe._

_Ray: Maybe rephrase that, Mr. Boyle._

_-_

_Jake looks down at his own dress, which is a massive ballgown that requires him to wear a petticoat._

_Jake: So this is my first time wearing a petticoat and, honestly? A pretty damn cool experience. I feel so fluffy._

_Jake swishes the skirt a bit, and turns to Charles, Terry, and Holt, who all cover their eyes._

_Jake: Okay you guys, bask in my beauty._

_Jake strikes a fun pose as the others remove their hands and gasp._

_Ray: Wow, that actually does not look atrocious_

_Jake looks at the camera._

_Jake: Did you hear that?! I got Holt to say “wow.” This is the best day of your life._

_Charles: Of course it is, you look gorgeous!_

_Jake: Thanks, Charles!_

_Jake does a little celebration dance then nearly trips over the skirt._

_-_

_Terry looks at his dress, with lacy sleeves and loose yet close skirt in a striking white. He looks at himself as the others cover their eyes. He gasps, and nearly immediately his eyes start to water._

_Terry: Oh my god..._

_His hand covers his mouth. Concerned, the others look at him._

_Jake: Oh, Terry, why are you crying? You don’t look ugly at all._

_Charles: In fact, you’re beautiful._

_Ray: I might even use the word “Incandescent”._

_Terry sniffles._

_Terry: I’m not sad- It’s just- This is almost the exact same dress my wife picked for herself._

_Terry turns to the designer._

_Terry: Thank you so much for this extra connection with us. It means so much to me._

_Jake: There Terry goes, again. Making the rest of our relationships look bad._

_Terry looks into the camera and blows a kiss._

_Terry: Love you, Sharon!_

+

“This one hurts,” Amy says as she steps out of the dressing room. They have a camera set up on a tripod and Jake is recording his own reactions on his phone.

This is the sixth dress. It's bright blue with a corset for the top half and a long tutu-like skirt for the bottom that makes her look like some kinky princess.

“BDSM Smurf,” He says definitively, causing her to giggle then try to stop as she remembers to be polite and professional.

“Shh, what if the owners hear?”

“Then maybe they'll improve their dress choices, because these are ridiculous,” Jake says obviously. “Is that a petticoat?”

Amy swishes the fabric that drifts around her knees. “Think so.”

“Gina hates petticoats,” He says pensively. “She finds them ‘dated and basic.’ I don’t know why she’d pick one for her mother’s wedding.”

“I’m sure it’s just for the distinct pleasure of making me wear one,” Amy says with a smile. He laughs. “Okay, I’m going to try another one on.”

“Go ahead, babe,” He says, fiddling with the tripod.

Amy smiles a little at that and shuts the dressing room curtain. This whole experience is oddly so weird, because when her brothers got married, their wives/husbands would let her be in the wedding party so she’d try on bridesmaids dresses a lot, and she has since she was 13. There’s something unique about doing it with Jake, the freedom to mess around and make fun of the options that she didn’t have before. There was never an opportunity to use the words “BDSM Smurf” with her brothers’ partners. It’s freeing. And, honestly, a blast.

Plus, he has way more fashion insight than her.

She tugs the tutu off, leaving her only in her SATURDAY underwear and the corset, but she can’t get it off, it’s stuck.

Oh no.

Amy struggles to unhook the corset but it’s caught on her bra, because there was no way she was going to wear a corset without a bra again after what happened last time.

Oh god. She’s going to need Jake’s help. Oh no. This is going to be on camera.

She groans slightly. She doesn’t want to deal with the childish nonsense he’ll probably say.

But she has no choice, so she tugs back on the skirt awkwardly.

“Jake?”

“What, Ames?” 

She takes a deep breath. “I’m stuck.” 

“In what?”

“The corset. Can you help me?”

Five seconds pass. “Yeah, sure.” It takes a moment but soon he’s coming through the dressing room curtain and surveying the situation.

“Why did you wear the bra under the corset?”

“Not now, just please help me,” She asks, pulling her hair into a makeshift ponytail and holding it above her shoulders. Jake scrunches his eyes shut and starts working on the corset. His fingers are soft against her skin, and she feels at ease in this oddly intimate situation. Her week-husband may have his faults, but he would never take advantage of anyone. Quickly, she feels both of the corset and the bra come undone.

Quickly, she presses her hands to hold them against her chest so nothing falls out. A small part of her is afraid that he’ll say something childish, but she’s mostly unsurprised when he just says “You good?” without opening his eyes.

“All good.”

“Okay.” Eyes still scrunched shut, he trips into the side of the dressing room wall and then nearly falls into the curtain. Amy tries to hide her giggles. But then Jake shouts:

“I heard that!”

And she just starts laughing. Thankfully, so does he.

Onto the next dress.

+

_Pizza Delivery Taste Test by BuzzfeedBrooklyn (Released: January 25, 2016)_

_(Which chain pizza place is your favorite?)_

_They are split into pairs: Jake and Amy, Rosa and Gina, and Terry and Holt._

_Jake: I’m a New York boy, so I love Sal’s but I have a soft spot for Domino’s because they got me through college._

_Amy: A bit of a drive, but I like California Pizza Kitchen._

_Jake: Disgraceful._

_Amy and Jake bicker, quickly getting cut off._

_-_

_Gina: Papa John’s. (to Rosa) Did you know that I know Papa John?_ The _Papa John?_

_Rosa: Someone is lying to you)_

_-_

_Terry: I try not to eat pizza because of the carbs, so I haven’t had these pizzas in about a decade. But Little Terry loved Pizza Hut._

_Ray: Little Caesars._

_Charles: (off-screen) Why?_

_Ray: Mouthfeel._

_Charles: (off-screen) JAKE I TOLD YOU!!_

_-_

_(Little Caesars)_

_Jake: This is elementary school pizza._

_Amy: It’s so greasy!_

_Jake: Don’t say that like it’s a bad thing._

_-_

_(California Pizza Kitchen)_

_Gina: Look at this bullsh*t._

_Rosa: It doesn’t taste like pizza. But it’s okay._

_Gina: It’s too fancy._

_Rosa: Never thought I’d hear you say that._

_-_

_(Pizza Hut)_

_Terry: Oh man, this brings back memories. Definitely Pizza Hut._

_Ray: You really think so?_ _  
_ _Terry eats the rest of the pizza in one bite._

_Terry: (mouth full) Why did I ever give you up?!_

_-_

_(Which was your favorite?)_ _  
_

_Both Amy and Jake pick the Domino’s pizza._

_Jake: This is amazing. Thank you Little Caeser’s._

_Amy: I promise you, it’s Domino’s._

_Jake: Another bet. Right now._

_Amy: Just five dollars if I’m right or you’re right?_

_Jake: What makes you think I have five dollars? But deal._

_Charles: (off-screen) Amy was right, it was Domino’s._

_Jake: (a slew of censored words)_

_Amy cheers._

_-_

_Rosa and Gina: This one._

_They both point at Pizza Hut._

_Charles: (off-screen) That was Pizza Hut._

_Gina: Dammit! I feel so basic and cheap. I betrayed the Papa!_

_Rosa just snorts. Gina smacks her in the face with a slice of pizza. They start throwing pizza at each other._

_-_

_Ray: I prefer this one._

_He points to Domino’s._

_Ray: But I don’t believe it’s Little Caesar’s, so I feel conflicted._

_Meanwhile, Terry shoves more Pizza Hut slices in his mouth._

_Terry: (mouth full) Pizza Hut._

+

Amy and Jake quickly get settled into eating all the platters of cake samples around them. Thank God Gina was prepared and had sorts of stuff set up. All they had to do was set up the cameras so they can eat without worrying about angles.

“When Charles almost married that Vivian lady,” Jake spins a yarn as they eat chocolate cake with white frosting. Delicious, but not quite right. “He took me to this. And he made me eat cake that had habanero frosting.”

Amy seethes in sympathy as she takes another bite, grateful this cake is not spicy (honestly, the things Charles makes her think.) “That’s atrocious, but not surprising.”

“I know right?” He agrees, shoving more cake into his mouth. “I really can’t believe that Lynn and Darlene don’t care about this aspect. The cake is like the main thing I would care about with my wedding.”

“Not your future spouse?” Amy asks, playful. She knows Jake has a penchant for food over romantic relationships, especially after Sophia. 

Jake shrugs, now looking away from her. There’s a sad smile on his face. “I’m a child of divorce, babe. Food lasts forever. Marriage doesn’t.”

Amy opens her mouth to say something, but then nothing comes out. She’s the child of a loving marriage. She’s seen happy marriages with her brothers. She honestly can’t picture not having that and she doesn’t know what to say. So she changes the subject, quickly diving into the next cake.

“Gina would hate us if we chose red velvet,” Amy says. “But it’s so good.”

“Oh, totally,” Jake says, also eating a bite, seeming to shake himself out of the funk he was just in. “But so good.” 

“What if we do like a fondant and it’s gold,” Amy says. “We both liked the vanilla bean, right? Not too basic, especially if we do a fun fondant.” 

“I’m still not sure what fondant is,” Jake says pensively as eats more cake. “But that sounds fancy. And I trust your judgement.”

Amy pauses, the forkful of cake nearly in her mouth. The casual way he said those words makes her smile. He _trusts_ her. It’s nice to hear as she eats cake.

“Perfect,” Amy says, pulling out her phone. “I’ll text Gina the plan. She said she agreed with our dress decision and hopefully she’ll appreciate this.”

“She should, especially if she was too busy boning Rosa to do it herself,” He says absently, then stops. “Oops,” He turns to a camera and points. “Cut that, Charles!” 

Amy snickers, “I think we’re cake drunk.” 

“The Santiago Cake-Drunk Scale,” He says, causing her to laugh. “Ten-Cake-Amy is giggly," He says like a scientist.

“I am not!” She laughs out.

“Point proven,” He says, then looks at his phone. As he’s distracted, she takes a piece of cake and shoves it into his cheek.

He gasps, “You just ruined the cake!” So he throws a piece at her.

Before it can continue, the head of the place berates them as they sit there, chastened. She hopes Charles doesn’t use any of that footage.

After placing the cake order, apologizing to the chef, and stepping outside, Jake wipes cake off his face with one hand and films them in the other. “We should get cleaned at our place before we go to Holt’s party.”

Amy gasps, “I nearly forgot. We only have a couple hours-” 

“It’s called being ‘fashionably late’, Ames,” Jake reassures her. “Just take your time. We don’t need to rush.” 

She takes a deep breath. “But come on, let’s take a shower because I think I have red dye number 7 on my nose.” 

Jake leans over and licks at the frosting that still dabs her nose. “Nope, Red Number 5.”

She stares at him.

He stares at her back. “Um... is that not what husbands do?”

Amy, at a loss for what else to do, laughs and loops his arm in hers. “C’mon, hubby, let’s go home.”

She can’t believe their marriage is almost over.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay I wanted to get people's feedback on this so let me know if you want me to continue! or if you have any buzzfeed videos you want to see. Please let me know what you think! Thanks for reading!<3


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